As the pandemic reshaped our conception of love and relationships, the words of American author bell hooks are more prevalent than ever.
As I sit down at my dining table a week from spending another Valentine’s alone, listening to the gospel of Eric Clapton, I can’t help but wonder: was bell hooks right? Is young culture today cynical about love? Are we really creating a culture of 20 something un-romantics who can name the strangest of kinks, but cringe at the thought of love?
In 2000, the book All About Love: New Visions had explored love in modern society. Twenty-two years later, amid post-covid and digital love youth, the work remains current. GenZers have found a false sense of comfort in a culture of hook-ups, instant gratification, cynicism and isolation. Was bell hooks right, are we too cynical to truly love?
Being young is hard. In the face of a looming climate crisis, flop governments and post-covid anxiety, it is not a surprise that love is tough to find. Young people are letting go of the quest for love and intimacy, as bell hooks says ahead of her time: cynicism is the great mask of the disappointed and betrayed heart.
We are a generation whose connection to love has been warped by hook-up culture, sex-orientated TV shows, dating app companies which thrive on loneliness and two whole years of almost pure isolation. So, I joined a group of GenZers, Tristan (19), Tasia (19), Karis (20) and Kiera (19), who were ready to explore their own ideas and connection to loving whilst young.
Five young individuals gathered with two bottles of wine between us wondering and delving into the effects of being without love.
“That shit [love] is gone, there is nowhere to meet people organically, everyone is just trying to fuck,” said Tristan.
It’s a lonely world out there for GenZers, especially those who don’t partake in hook-up culture. Even non-romantic love is a struggle, with social media becoming our ever-present judge on our image, education and careers.
We are more focused on how we stand in a capitalist world than building communities and long-lasting relationships. “It’s not just romantic love that is lost, it’s also self-love. Everyone is too cynical,” says 20-year-old Karis, “Social media and growing cynicism is not only damaging our love lives, but also the love that we have for ourselves.”
Most young people aren’t even comfortable speaking about love. It is easier to get young people to speak about favourite sex positions than to get them to tell their friends ‘I love you.’
“I can speak about love but only in my inner circles,” says Tristan, who easily told me about his sexual encounters, but stuttered when trying to define love.
This is a generation that is studious when it comes to sex positivity but emotionally stunted at the topic of love: it is no surprise that young people have essentially dropped out of the race for love. It requires commitment, longevity and truthfulness. But who could blame us , when social media companies have shaped dating into a swift finger motion of purely aestheticism and desirability.
Is it even possible to commit when you are just a three second image on a person’s smart phone? Instant gratification over long-term commitment defines our generation. Food deliveries instead of cooking, next-day shipping and seven-second TikTok videos. All life changing conveniences: the prize of the modern world, a double-edged sword that corrupts our attention spans and willingness to commit.
Every one of my interviewees were on dating apps. Their faces looked disappointed when I asked the dreaded question, which we all know well, ‘Have you found someone?’
Kiera, the only one who has been in a relationship (for 4 and a half years,) described them as ‘a chore.’
“I don’t feel like love is lost amongst young people, deep down it is what majority of us want,” she said with such hopefulness that maybe only someone in a loving relationship could conceive. Her and her boyfriend were high-school sweethearts, their love was organic, and their brains still uncorrupted by the anti-love tech giants.
So there, it can be possible for young people to commit to love. Kiera’s testimony gives us a momentary glimmer into the idea of love still existing in our culture.
Then comes Covid-19, two years of isolation and complete digital submergence, it feels like if any of us had hope for putting ourselves out there, it was all out of the window. Isolation physically stopped us from interacting and making long-term intimate connections.
“Quarantine made me feel more comfortable with the idea of being by myself,” says Tasia, as the energy of the group simmered down as the wine was reaching an end. “It doesn’t seem like there is any time to build a whole new intimate relationship” and the idea of committing to a new relationship, as the world around you is reaching Armageddon, seems like a prison sentence.
Life feels like it’s slipping fast. According to Tristan, “Relationships seem like they always have an inevitable ending”. In a post-pandemic world where we were cruelly shown that we have no control over our lives, young people want stability and comfort in things that aren’t as big of a gamble as relationships seem.
To love or not to love, that is the question. There are many ways of looking at it. bell hooks tells us to love, as a generous heart is always open. American actress Jenny Slate says she would rather live with a tender heart, for it is the key to finding love. Eric Clapton sings “You just don’t realise how much I love you”.
Love and loving are natural to human existence. The very first thing we do as we enter the world is love, as we are held by our mothers and see their loving eyes for the first time, all the way until we lay on our death bed and have the loves of our lives flash before our eyes as the very last thing we do. As young people we shouldn’t lose all hope on finding love. As the leaders of the world to come, building our communities on all things encompassing love should be a priority.