Are We Dating… or Just Replaying?

Why Love Sometimes Feels Like Deja Vu

You meet someone new. The conversation flows easily, the excitement builds, and everything seems effortless at first. Yet as time passes, the emotional rhythm of the relationship can begin to shift. The early spark slowly gives way to uncertainty. Moments of closeness are followed by distance, and emotional clarity becomes difficult to find. 

Even when we meet different people, many of us recognise this pattern. The faces may change, but the emotional experience can feel strangely familiar. 

Modern dating culture often intensifies this dynamic. Dating apps, texting, and social media have changed the way relationships begin and develop. Connections can feel emotionally intimate before they are clearly defined, and feelings may deepen quickly while commitment remains uncertain. 

Within this space of ambiguity, even small signals begin to carry emotional weight. A delayed message invites interpretation, a short reply feels loaded with meaning, and even silence can feel like a response.

For Andrea Oskis, a London-based psychologist specialising in attachment theory, these reactions are not surprising.

“Attachment theory is the best known and most significant explanation of love and relationships”, she explains. “Your attachment style influences how you connect with others, how much closeness or distance you prefer, and whether intimacy feels safe or anxiety-provoking”.

In other words, the emotional responses we experience in relationships are often shaped by patterns that developed long before modern dating culture existed. To understand why certain relationships feel strangely familiar, researchers often turn to one of the most influential frameworks in relationship psychology: attachment theory.

Attachment theory was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who proposed that our earliest experiences of care shape the way we approach relationships later in life. In simple terms, attachment theory suggests that the way we experience closeness as adults is influenced by the relationships we formed as children. 

Psychotherapist Jane Halsall explains that these patterns often develop very early in life. “From infancy, children seek closeness and safety from their caregivers”, she says. “The responses they receive help shape their attachment style, usually before the age of five”. 

When caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available, children tend to develop secure attachment. They learn that relationships can be trusted and that emotional needs will be met. 

However, when care is inconsistent, distant, or unpredictable, children may develop different strategies for emotional safety. Some individuals grow up feeling anxious about relationships, constantly seeking reassurance that they are valued. Others learn to rely on independence and emotional distance to protect themselves from disappointment. 

Over time, these early experiences create what psychologists often describe as internal templates for relationships. 

“These early experiences shape beliefs about whether others are reliable”, Halsall explains. “They also influence whether someone feels safe expressing emotions and whether they believe they deserve care”.

Although these patterns form in childhood, they often continue to influence adult relationships in subtle ways. Few people consciously think about childhood when they start dating someone new. Yet the emotional expectations formed early in life can quietly shape how individuals respond to closeness, uncertainty, and vulnerability. 

In this way, relationships are rarely experienced on a completely blank slate. Instead, they are filtered through patterns that have been developing for years.

While attachment patterns originate early in life, modern dating culture has created an environment where these patterns can become particularly visible. Digital communication has transformed the pace and structure of relationships. Conversations now unfold through messages, notifications, and social media interactions. 

This constant connectivity can create the illusion of closeness. But it can also introduce new forms of uncertainty. Messages can be read but unanswered, replies may arrive hours later, and tone or intention are often difficult to interpret through text.

According to Dr Andrea Oskis, who studies attachment and emotional development, these conditions can heighten emotional responses. “Modern dating environments often limit opportunities for authentic communication,” she says. “When interactions are mediated through screens, people may feel pressure to present themselves in particular ways.”

This can activate what Oskis describes as a performative side of relationships.” In many cases, individuals are trying to avoid rejection or abandonment,” she says. “That is at the core of attachment anxiety.” In other words, people are not simply communicating; they are also managing how they appear to others. 

Jane Halsall also observes that modern dating culture can intensify attachment-related anxieties. Dating apps create the sense that there are always more potential partners available, while communication patterns such as ghosting or inconsistent replies can introduce emotional instability. 

“For individuals with anxious attachment, uncertainty can feel particularly distressing,” she says. “At the same time, the abundance of choice can make people hesitant to commit.” 

As a result, modern dating environments can sometimes amplify both anxious and avoidant tendencies. Some individuals respond to uncertainty by seeking greater reassurance and emotional closeness. Others respond by creating distance. 

“Both reactions are shaped by the same underlying question: Is this relationship safe?”

When Relationships Feel Hard to Let Go

One of the most confusing aspects of modern relationships is how quickly emotional intensity can develop. People sometimes find themselves deeply affected by relationships that lasted only a short time. Even after a connection ends, the emotional impact may linger. From the perspective of attachment theory, however, the duration of a relationship is not always the most important factor. 

Doctor Andrea Oskis explains that attachment systems respond primarily to emotional closeness, rather than time itself. “Emotionally, it’s often not just about the here and now,” she says. “Something relational from the past may be activated.”

Moments of vulnerability, sharing personal stories, expressing fears, or feeling truly understood, can create powerful bonds even within a short period. In addition, certain relationship dynamics can intensify emotional attachment. Psychologists often refer to intermittent reinforcement, where moments of closeness are followed by periods of distance. This unpredictability can heighten emotional investment rather than reduce it. 

Situationships often operate within this dynamic. Because these relationships lack clear definition or commitment, they can feel emotionally confusing. For individuals with anxious attachment, this ambiguity can trigger a strong need for reassurance. For others, particularly those who are more comfortable with emotional distance, loosely defined relationships may initially feel easier to navigate.

For Penelope Guillard, 18, a French student navigating a long-distance relationship, this emotional weight was deeply real. “I began by trying desperately to hold on,” she recalls. “I would text even when I was extremely busy and sacrifice sleep and time just to make him feel loved.” Yet despite her efforts, the distance created its own silence. “After being shut down and called delusional for thinking there was a problem, I slowly began to shut down emotionally.” For Oskis, this shift, from anxious pursuit to emotional withdrawal, is a recognisable pattern. When reassurance fails to arrive, some individuals do not simply continue seeking it. Instead, they retreat. “That is at the core of attachment anxiety,” Oskis explains, the constant negotiation between the need for closeness and the fear that it will never quite be enough. 

Yet over time, even these arrangements can create tension as emotional intimacy develops. Despite these complexities, both Oskis and Halsall emphasise that attachment patterns are not fixed. Relationships themselves can influence how attachment evolves. “Attachment styles can change when people experience supportive relationships,” Oskis explains. “That’s why I like to think of attachment theory as a hopeful theory.”

Halsall agrees. “Developing awareness is often the first step,” she says. “When people begin to recognise their emotional patterns, they gain more freedom in how they respond.” Ultimately, attachment theory offers a different way of understanding modern love. It suggests that the emotional patterns we experience in relationships are not random. They are shaped by our histories, our experiences, and the ways we have learned to seek connection. 

And perhaps that is why, even in a world filled with new matches and new beginnings, relationships can sometimes feel strangely familiar. Because every new relationship carries not only the possibility of a future, but also the emotional stories we bring with us.

So the next time a relationship feels confusing, it may be worth asking a different question. Not just “What is this person doing?” but also “How do I usually respond to closeness and distance?”

Understanding our own attachment style is not about labelling ourselves. Instead, it can offer something quieter and more valuable: a little more clarity about our patterns, and perhaps a little more compassion for ourselves and the people we love.

Photographer | Jimin Kwon
Creative Editor | Kyuri Bae
Models | Isamel Gallego Iglesias, Andra Neumann
Hair & Make-up | Sian Morgan, Labonno Asif
Lighting Assstant | Amy Kim