What does it feel like to be in the throes of MDMA? One man’s rise and fall from a trip on Mandy. As told to Zandi Mlotshwa by an anonymous raver boy.
1. The Come Up
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The best and worst substance that I’ve ever taken is MDMA.
People obviously talk about heroin and crack, and I have considered modest doses of meth and GHB just to kind of dip my toes in the chem session scene – if you don’t know what that is, it’s a naughty gay sex thing. But as a cheeky-chappy raver boy, I think pill popping is as far as I’ve come so far to feeling absolute unadulterated bliss.
MDMA is both a hallucinogenic and a stimulant, and it comes in two forms: pills (or pingerz) and crystals, which are generally called ‘Mandy’. You can get creative with the Mandy (MDMA crystals): you can grind them up under the weight of your fist or a debit card and snort them, or wrap the powder in a Rizla rolling paper, twist it and swallow with water like a Hay fever tablet. That’s what we call a bomb. Or you can just paste the powder around your gums. You’ll be sorted for a night if you’re taking Mandy ‘cause MDMA crystals are generally purer.
Mandy is disgusting. The last time I did this business, I mashed up the Mandy, about half a gram which is a good amount, and put the powder in a bottle of lemon-flavoured Volva water, and I remember that because it tasted spicy and chemical-like, as if I was chowing down on one of those air-freshener pills you see in urinals, like the ones Melman the giraffe from the animated film Madagascar eats.
Anyway, however you choose to ingest this sublime sexy substance, you have to earn the unequivocal bliss that we mates promise you’ll be feeling when you take it. What I’m talking about now is a sensation called a come up.
However you choose to ingest this sexy substance, you have to earn the
Anonymous
unequivocal bliss that we mates promise you’ll be feeling when you take it.
To access the high, you have to physiologically rise to the occasion. You have to see your way through the sickness to get to the part that feels good. For me, it slowly rises from my chest, in my cheeks, and it just sits there, throbbing. It’s like a weight slowly sneaking its way around your body, and you’re trapped between wanting to stand up and move around and wanting to sit down. You feel anxious so you wanna dance, but fucking depressed so you stay seated. You feel angry, you feel really ratty, you feel sad, but you also feel anticipatory, and your breathing gets a bit deeper.
When you’re in the proper throes of this shit, you feel so depressed, you hate everyone and, if you bang Mandy out as much as I did when I was doing it, no matter how many times you’ve been through the come up, you never know if you will break out of that sensation for the night.
It feels like you’re teetering on a ledge – either you come up or you don’t – and you’re trapped feeling like shit for the whole night until it wears off.
2. The High
So, you’ve taken Mandy. There’s you and there’s the rest of the world. You can’t talk and you can’t really focus on anything happening around you at this rave you’re at but trying to get through this feeling.
Suddenly, your mate spills his drink down the back of someone in front of him and this person calls him a stupid cunt and you think it’s funny, really funny, and you come to the realisation that your mate is cute and he’s really silly and he couldn’t hurt a fly and the man in front of him is calling him names but it’s the most hilarious thing you’ve ever come across. You look around and everyone is having the best fucking time on earth, everyone is meant to be there in that exact moment, and your breathing gets shallow but deep at the same time.
With every inhale, this buzzing feeling emanates from behind your eyes and the beat from the DJ infects you. Whoa, you get this mad, incredible rush and this excitement and this euphoria and you just feel so much love for everyone. That’s ecstasy, innit?
You’re just consumed by this feeling like peace, but it’s not peace at all, you’re relaxed but wide awake. You start chewing, your jaw swings and you’re breathing funny. The music sounds so good and it’s fucking wicked. You are UP, baby.
You spend the rest of the night proclaiming your undying love for everyone, unprovoked, and nothing feels like it can go wrong in that moment. The air tastes and feels so fresh in your lungs. Your eyes are so wide – it’s the most fantastic feeling – and you cannot stop dancing to those house tunes being played in front of the gaff.
I really miss that feeling, the pure energy and happiness. Especially when there’s a beat and you feel community with those around you who are on the same shit. There’s nothing like it. But the funny thing about that is, obviously, all good things must come to an end.
Normally, when you start taking Mandy, you can enjoy the first few gos without neurochemical consequence. The first time is really good and the second time’s really good, but not quite as good, but really good still. The third time’s not as good as the second and so on it goes. You still get some beautiful peaks and highs but it’s never the same, and the drug’s effects usually last up to six hours. That rush of blood to your head feels so good until it doesn’t, and you get depressed.
That’s what happened to me.
3. The Come Down
Once the party’s over, you return to normal.
For example, it’s like when you go outside to the smoker’s area and realise that you’ve run out of cigarettes. Earlier in the night, that wouldn’t have been a problem because you would adoringly ask the stranger next to you for one and they’d oblige. This time, though, that realisation just leaves an empty feeling in your chest instead. It’s a small and sudden dip in the vibe, a little shift from a default positive response to a negative one, that brings you down from the high. The music becomes repulsive, and your skin feels like sandpaper. Your mate who is banging on about some shite is now insufferable.
It might sound as though you’re lucid during this come down but you’re not; you’re a zombie.
If coming up feels as though you’re emerging from the sea towards the sky, the come down is you sinking from your position way up there, down, down, down, until you crash into the sea, into the murky depths of depression.
Anonymous
It should take a few days to feel like yourself again but that wasn’t my experience after abusing Mandy for so long. When you use MDMA, your muscles can dangerously overheat and eventually break down, it can damage vital organs and it can lead to death.
I would wake up sober, sure, but feeling empty. Sullen, stuck behind a wall with the whole world cracking on on the other side.
If coming up feels as though you’re emerging from the sea towards the sky, the come down is you sinking from your position way up there, down, down, down, until you crash into the sea, into the murky depths of depression. And when the high equalises, you’re back in your boat on the surface of the sea. The bigger the rise, the bigger the fall, and it took me a while to feel solid ground the last time I took the drug. I sobered up, but any positive thoughts I had were no longer convincing and my life lost all its lustre. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I felt this way for years.
I can’t imagine any night out worth going through that again.
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