Categories
The Sights

Taking the Piss

Toilet attendants are an integral part of a night out in the UK who provide a splash of perfume and aspirin to clubgoers in a pinch, and, importantly, foster a safe space for anyone seeking refuge in the club bathroom. 

It took me a few seconds to notice the penis paraphernalia, standing upright in a clear plastic cup, an assortment of pinks, nudes, oranges, and whites.

I would not say that they featured prominently on the toilet attendant’s table of goods, but they were not hidden either. Fitting, really, seeing as I was in the toilet of a nightclub where, frankly, everything goes.  

Holding back a few giggles, I asked the toilet attendant: “What are those, Aunty?” 

“Drinking straws,” she answered. Retailing for one quid each, I would say they were a steal. And they are fun and kitschy. Aunt Blessing is a hoot. 

Welcome to the world of club bathroom workers, a regular fixture in clubs around the UK that sell a splash of deodorant and aftershave, refreshments and even flip-flops to clubgoers, and may clean as part of their job. In my experience, they may also perform emotional labour, providing a safe space for anyone seeking refuge in the club bathroom. Toilet attendants often work independently or as part of a venue’s staff. Considering that, as of April 2022, the national minimum wage is £9.50 and the living wage in London is set at £11.95, many of these workers subsist primarily on tips.  

View into club bathroom.
Aunt Blessing’s table of wares.

Aunt Blessing is a middle-aged Nigerian-born woman who now resides in London and works as a toilet attendant on the weekend at a buzzy nightclub in Brixton. I met her on a Friday night out in the city and we got to talk about her work, the means of taking care of her family and a taxing job. Statistics show that the cleaning industry in the UK employs more non-British workers than average, so I often encounter fellow Africans working in club bathrooms on my nights out.  

“It’s very cold tonight but you people tried your best to come out,” she admonished with a laugh. “I know that I am looking for money, otherwise I would be in my duvet.” Inquiring about her hours, Aunt Blessing let on that her job is manageable “for now. I make enough money just to get by. Some days are better than others. Today was very quiet,” she said, gesturing to a collection plate with a few quid.  

Aunt Blessing’s presence was warm and inviting, although I was under no illusions about the nature of our interaction as potentially disrupting her doing her job. Our conversation was interrupted several times by punters purchasing sweets and penis straws, punctuated with drunken politeness, before heading back to the dance floor. Nonetheless, Aunt Blessing let in that toilet attendants often go unseen or unacknowledged, and like many service workers, are treated like trash.  

I make enough money just to get by. Some days are better than others.

Aunt Blessing

What’s more, extended working hours in a loud environment such as a nightclub come with significant health risks. A study published in the International Journal of Noise and Health found that the average daily noise exposure of participants working 20 hours a week in a club was 92 decibels. Over time, any exposure greater than 85 decibels for eight hours can lead to permanent hearing loss.  

At the end of our chat, I asked Aunt Blessing what a night out for her looks like and I was regaled with tales of a youth well lived. “Make sure that you have fun, but you should always take care of yourself,” she shared. “There is a time for everything. Use your wisdom and keep your eyes open so that you will not fall victim.” 

A young woman walked into the bathroom, making a beeline for the table of goods. “How much for this hair tie, Aunty?” The conversation begins again. 

The Chronicles of a Loo Lady 

Inspired by my chat with Aunt Blessing, I spent just under an hour as a toilet attendant in a Manchester club. Here’s how it went… 

What do you wear to go and stand in a club bathroom? Your croppiest cropped top, of course. And a comfy pair of jeans, and sneakers.  

One Saturday night in Manchester, I decided to don my best dress and fill the shoes of a toilet attendant for 45 minutes.  I took my bathroom attendant duties very seriously, down to a pretty pink purse stocked with mini bottle of perfume, hand lotion, baby wipes, Halls Soothers and Ibuprofen. 

I wasn’t sure what to expect - after all, I was going to be standing awkwardly in a private space trying to solicit conversation from strangers. But, as ever, the camaraderie in the women’s club bathroom is unparalleled. I set up shop next to the hand dryer adjacent to the bathroom door and this is what I witnessed. 

A cacophony of voices, two besties belting U Remind Me by Usher with harmonies included. “The vocals are coming out tonight,” someone shouts. A mum in front of the mirror fixing her makeup, talking over the phone about a frozen chicken in the fridge: “I’ll be home in a few hours,” she assures the babysitter/partner.

“I spilt my drink all over my jeans,” I hear, and offer my baby wipes. A smile of appreciation. “Your bag is so cute by the way.” 

A conference about a cool top from Primark and a glance of approval at a cute outfit. The laughter of familiarity shared by strangers at the sink and the screeching of the hand dryer. I offer the two ladies drying their hands some lotion, knowingly.

“Thank you so much!” one of the ladies says. “I always forget to bring my own, then I have to walk around with ashy hands.”   

A smile, a nod, a glance of approval from across the room.  
Categories
The Sights

What’s in Her Handbag?

It’s your girl T back again with another ‘What’s in her handbag?’ drop, and this time I hit up Soul Lounge in Clapham and Raffles in Chelsea to get you the goods. 

Growing up, I was always told to never look in a lady’s handbag because it’s rude and you never know what you might find.

But that’s the point, no? 

I wanted to see what random and unhinged things clubbers considered essentials for a Friday night out in London. So I hit the toilets of two different bars in south London, nosing my way into some lovely ladies’ bags, all for you guys. 

Let’s take a trip, shall we?

Soul Lounge, Clapham High Street
Contents of a handbag.

Makeup Revolution Juicy Bomb Grapefruit X Revolution Satin Kiss Lipliner in Shade TGIF: “This combination is unmatched and should not be slept on. It makes your lips pop and it’s not sticky.” 

Tobacco: “Spanish Marlboro Gold because the prices in the UK are not it!” 

Baggy and Note: “Close cousins; one cannot exist in this world without the other.” 

Apple AirPods: “To keep the vibes on the journey home.” 

Vidal Zoom Strawberry Lollipop 

Handbag contents.

Louis Vuitton X Takashi Murakami 2005 Cozy Coin Purse 

Tampax Pearl Compax: “A tampon ‘cause knowing my luck I’ll be breaking my back on the dance floor and my period will decide to appear.” 

Hash: “Skunk weed in London is full of chemicals.” 

Marlboro Tobacco 30g: [Clearly cigarettes are going out of fashion, or we are just experiencing a cost-of-living crisis.] 

Wrigley’s Extra Peppermint: “Because you’ll never know where your mouth might end up.” 

House keys: “Even though I’m 99% sure I will not be going home tonight.” 

Raffles, Chelsea

Trident: “Trident over Extra because I ain’t no a basic bitch.” 

Oyster card 

Nationwide card 

Rizla Regular Green 

ID 

Elizabeth Arden 8-Hour Lip Treatment: “This lip balm is my f*g go-to, nothing keeps my lips moist like this. Though these days I can’t use it without thinking of Prince Harry’s todger.” 

Too Faced Lip Injection Maximum Doll-Size Plumping Lip Gloss 

Handbag contents.

Real Technique Mini Bronzer and Concealer Brush

Morphe Setting Powder: “To all the girls who need oil control, this is the one!”

John Frieda Frizz Ease: “To tame those fly-aways when things get untamed on the dancefloor.”

Nars Laguna Bronzer: “My go-to bronzer. I will always be loyal to this bronzer as long as she’s loyal to me.”

Amber Leaf Tobacco 30g

Categories
The Sensations

To All the Drunk Girls in the Club Bathroom I’ve Loved Before

Bestie for the night, hairstylist, relationship guru and the love of your life.
Dear drunk girl I met in the club bathroom at Peckham Audio,

The sisterhood that we created whilst exchanging Instagrams is one so strong it could never be replaced. Even though we will only DM each other to share the pictures that we took that night, clearly our temporary friendship means so much to me.

Where are you now, I wonder? 

Do you also think about how you fixing my makeup and giving me the ‘You’re a bad bitch, f*k that guy’ talk would make me believe in love again? Because I do.

Drunk girl I met in the club bathroom, the secrets that we shared I will carry to the grave, even if I don’t really remember them. Like a powder room version of Catholicism, all it took was a drunken ‘Sister, I have sinned’ for the weight to be lifted of my shoulders.

We met on Saturday night and we will never meet again, but I will always be here to aid you so that you don’t yak all over your Depop Keren Miller boots and Miss Sixty skirt. What kind of friend would I be to let you ruin an outfit as stylish and meticulously sourced as yours? 

I watched as you braved the nausea, adjusted your mini skirt, and emptied your purse on the bathroom sink as if it was your personal vanity. Numerous beauty products flooding out, a reflection of modern day consumerism before my eyes. Whatever a person could possibly need you had it in your bountiful bag. Every aesthetic problem that I didn’t know I had, you so nicely pointed out was fixed before I could even ask, the big sister vibes you exuded that night were unforgettable.

I could thank you again for the unconditional love and sisterhood that you shared that Saturday night. That night, you had a PhD in psychology, a living example that girls really can do it all. The humanitarian acts that you delivered rival that of the UN, and when people question the kindness of other women, I will simply point to you and beg them to head to the club to experience true selfless humanity.

At 1 a.m., three shots and a pre-game in, I know that I will experience the magic of sisterhood from a drunk girl in the club bathroom.