“Why didn’t you just say no?”… a sentence which many of us may have heard in the past when we tell a story of how we felt uncomfortable in a situation with a man. Trying to stay polite and friendly whilst at the same time appearing confident and straight forward, hoping the approach or harassment will stop. Nothing is worse than being questioned afterwards and trying to justify why we could not just say no or ignore a man because often “no” is simply not enough.
If you google “man attacks woman after being rejected” you will find numerous articles and videos of how badly it can end when a woman chooses to not engage with a stranger on the street. When telling male friends I have given out fake numbers they are baffled and say “just tell the person you are not interested, why give out a fake number and pretend you want to talk to the guy?”
Because it is not always that easy. And let’s be honest – we are tired of explaining ourselves for something that is not our fault in the first place. However, the question of “what did you wear?” or “why did you not just do xyz…” almost always comes up. The worst thing about all of this is, that saying “I have a boyfriend” is often more respected than a simple “I am not interested”. When another man is involved it is somehow easier to leave us alone but respecting what we say as a woman is not an option.
Obviously this is not a generalization of all men and there are some who can take being rejected but unfortunately many others feel their pride is hurt and proceed to make the woman in question feel unsafe by calling her derogatory words, following her trying to get her to change her mind or – like in the articles mentioned above – attack and physically harm her.
Friends of mine and myself can tell many stories where consent was not respected and we were being followed from the gym to our house or other places, catcalled, randomly touched inappropriately and more.
Since moving to London over 3 years ago, I have experienced a lot of harassment on the streets but also a lot in places like the gym. Weight training has been a passion of mine for a while now and I have been going to the same gym ever since I came here. I naively assumed that after a while, I would may be respected as a gym regular there by men but up until this day I find myself in situations where I feel extremely uncomfortable. Men following me around the gym, staring at me and I have had two incidents where pictures were taken of me. At the time I felt so shocked and overwhelmed that I did not have the courage to actively confront the person. I knew the person was friends with some of the personal trainers there and I was scared they would make fun of me behind me back or gossip if I reported it to the manager. Those two situations happened a few months ago and I do feel a lot more confident nowadays though as I have been training sometimes with a woman who is in her 50s and very well known around the gym so I do feel like in a way, certain men now have more respect for me and accept me as a “gym regular” but there are still situations where I train by myself and I feel uncomfortable and go to different areas of the gym. Ultimately, I should not feel that way though and it can be hard to stay confident in such a testosterone loaded environment but from my experience, training with someone and also talking to people about it has definitely helped. I have also made the manager aware of certain people now and he has been very understanding and helpful.
In the area I live, in South East London, there is another gym which is very popular and is known for its so called “female zone”: a room which is dedicated to women only. I was curious to try the gym a few weeks ago and signed up for a trial. Keeping in mind though, that areas for women or even whole women only gyms do not really get rid of the problem itself – or maybe only for a temporary amount of time as harassment happens everywhere – they can still be helpful particularly for women who feel very intimidated in the gym.
The women only area in that gym was not bad and had some basic machines but I was able to speak to Amelia (name changed as she wanted to remain anonymous) who I connected with on social media after I saw a comment she made under the gym’s Instagram post where they promoted that particular zone.
In her comment she claimed that “I already spoke with your assistant manager about what happened to me more than a month ago in that female section that this post is about but still you haven’t done or said anything.”
Of course, I was instantly curious and decided to get in touch with her and asked her what happened. She would like to remain anonymous as well as I keep the gym anonymous, but she told me a man once came into the room during unstaffed hours. There was only one other woman with her in the women’s room and she initially thought the man and her knew each other hence why she did not think much of it although she did feel slightly uncomfortable. According to Amelia he stayed there for a long time and then she said “I was concerned when he started to film us and he came towards us trying to touch me. I confronted him and asked him if he needed something and why he was filming us but he just said it was something he was used to doing and normal for him and nobody complained to him about it before. I was afraid as this guy was quite big and so I approached the other woman and we left together.” I asked her if she had any support at all and what the reaction was when she told management. She explained: “I tried to speak with management, and they said they understood, and they would try to speak with the guy to tell him he cannot go in there. They never talked to him though. They also promised they would create a system of warnings to avoid those kinds of situations, but they never did that either. A month later, I asked them why nothing has changed and why they did not do anything they said they would do, and their reply was: “It’s not good for marketing.”
I was really shocked by that and decided to leave the gym as I did not feel safe anymore.”
After speaking with her, I was really upset. That particular gym always praised itself with its respect for members, making sure women feel safe and promoting their women’s only room and yet they treat a woman who was clearly harassed with such disrespect with the lame excuse of it being bad for marketing. I know the management has changed a few weeks ago but when going through reviews on Google, there have been people saying that current management is very superficial and only talks to people that look a certain way, so the question of: has anything changed there? – is probably easy to answer.
Not being taken seriously is such a slap in the face and the exact reason why it can be so hard to stand up for yourself though.
The question from my caption of whether women’s only gyms are the answer is a tricky one. On the one hand they can definitely be great for women who feel intimidated by gyms and especially sections like the free weight area which is mostly occupied by men. So they can surely encourage confidence within the gym. However, when it comes to harassment, escaping should not be the solution in my opinion. If anything, more and more women should be empowered to feel strong enough to actively take up and claim their space. And those that do not respect them have to be hold responsible. Also at my gym certain PTs actively keep supporting women and telling them to come to the free weight area to motivate them and make them feel less intimidated working out around men only.
But again, as much as women’s only gyms do not get rid of harassment in general, the option of having it is a great idea to make women feel more safe.
Especially young women tend to feel too shy or overwhelmed by unwanted attention and men approaching them.
The Instagram account “girlsagainstoppression” stands up for women’s rights and fights against misogyny and talks about other young women’s experiences with harassment. One post specifically shows how men handle rejection and in a video you can watch how a girl is being followed to her car after shopping and a man consistently asks for her number, her Instagram and her snapchat whilst she repeats several times she is not interested and that she wants him to leave. He ignores her wishes and after a while he says, “Is this your car?” pointing at her car, to which she responds “yes”, and he takes a few steps back and runs towards her car pushing his trolley into it leaving a huge dent.
When talking to friends, we all came to the conclusion that catcalling has been something we experienced since we were really young, from the age of 12. At that age you are a lot more insecure and do not have the experience and confidence to be able to really do anything to protect yourself or handle the situation without feeling really disgusting afterwards – which is ridiculous as again, it is obviously not your own fault.
The older you get, the more you may be able to handle it. Or maybe, frustratingly, you just get used to it?
Why is it that we often have to think of the worst scenarios and put an act on, be polite and smile in order to feel safe? What can we do about that? And how can women protect themselves though
1. Stay confident and firm
When you do not know an individual you cannot predict what they are going to do or how they handle rejection but try to remain cool and collected and do not let them make you feel small or intimidate you. You do not have to be rude but stay firm with what you are replying to them and make it clear you are keeping it superficial and not friendly with them.
2. Do not give them your real name
You do not owe anybody anything. Just because a random guy approaches you, you are not obligated to state your real name or any other info such as your number or personal details. Especially if they harass you after you already made it clear you are not interested, try to engage as little with the conversation as possible.
3. Involve others
Bystanders do not always help unfortunately and especially in big cities like London everyone just minds their own business but if you speak to a specific one and address them by saying “You with the black hat, could you please help me I feel unsafe” you are much more likely to receive a response. Do not feel shy and actively approach someone if you are being followed or harassed.
4. Set boundaries and name things as they are
Do not be apologetic about your response no matter how they try to guilt trip you. You set the boundaries – not them. Clearly state that what they are doing is not okay, even mention that it is harassment and in extreme cases that you can and willget authorities involved if they do not leave you alone
5. Take evidence and document the situation
This can be helpful as proof for later onwards but also to make them feel intimidated. Nobody wants to be recorded when doing something that is morally not okay so this can help make you feel more protected.
Ultimately, remember that none of this is your fault and that you are not the reason this is happening, the man is the reason and the only one to blame. Stay resilient, share your experiences with friends and family as talking about it helps and may give you more courage to handle things with confidence. If you ever feel unsafe, get people involved whether it is bystanders or the police, as nobody is allowed to ever make you feel intimidated.
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