A tell-all about the parts of ourselves that are harvested through some of the most heart-breaking parts of our lives, the breakup.
For so much of our lives, we drive so much negative energy toward exes, breakups, red flags, and the ones that got away, that we tend to disregard or dismiss the parts of ourselves that would have never existed if it wasn’t for those experiences. Now, I’m not here to glamoriSe pain and suffering but there is something to say about the things it leaves us with, especially when love is involved. For some of us, this means leaving the relationship happier, stronger, and braver, and for others, it may be leaving smarter and more aware; for the rest of us, it’s simply about an open-ended love story that has yet to conclude its final lesson.
Love, as I’m sure we all know, in all its forms and structures can teach us different things in different ways. From Monogamous to Polyamorous, to Open and Non-Sexual there is a lot to learn about love through different lenses.
I took the liberty to go out and source the best love stories that happened to end in breakup and ask myself and my subjects what did this relationship leave you with? So often love feels like it takes and takes and takes and gives very little, especially when evaluated from the lens of a broken heart. However, once time has healed the wounds love has left behind, what are you left with?
Vanessa Z, Long Distance
Tell us your love story…
“So I was in a monogamous relationship (as far as I know). Um, I was in a monogamous relationship, and it was long-distance. Um, we were together for, I think a total of three years. Uh, one of them being one, no, two of them being long distance and one of them being, um, like when we were together.”
How did you meet?
“Um, so funny enough, he actually saw pictures of me, like through my friends and like my cousins. And he would always like ask them like, oh my God, I want to talk to her. Who is she? And then I went back to Moz[ambique] and I was at my uncle’s party and he saw me on my cousin’s story. And he was like, you know what? I was invited to this party anyway. I might as well just go.” … “And then we just kind of kept talking every day and yeah, it was really nice. I remember dates and everything, he told me he loved me before he asked me out, which is hilarious…”
How long were you together?
“… We dated for six months and then officially from November onwards, we were together for about three years. And, um, yeah, that’s the good part of it. So I moved here [Belgium] and we would do long distance. He came to a couple of times. The first time he came was a surprise.”
Long-Distance Relationship
Some don’t have the option or choice of having their partner in close proximity for a number of reasons and are left with the choice to continue their relationship from a distance. This comes with its own shortcomings but can be quite special especially when all parties are committed to each other and to maintaining the relationship strong and healthy.
What drew you to break up?
“… After that, we kind of just saw each other when we could, and then some things started getting a little bit hard just because I think trust issues on his part took over, like, it was a big thing, you know. It got to the point that he wasn’t trusting me all that much, but I don’t know why. Cause I- I’m a home babe. I be chilling at home. So, I was really confused about that. Then it just started getting a little too toxic. We were arguing so much and I just called it quits. I couldn’t do it anymore. Like it was getting way too draining for me. I had other things to focus on and I was like, look, I can’t do this anymore.”
What did you learn about yourself through this relationship?
“Um, I was courted, which I realized that I do like, you know. I was courted and by courted, I mean like we went on dates and, you know, little gifts. I found out my love languages through that relationship. Um, I’m all of them, but like I realized through distance that physical touch is not my biggest one. Cause I could stay away from him and still feel love and everything. We kind of adjusted to our situation. Um, and I realized that what ended the whole issue was I figured out what I’m worth and what I need and what I don’t need and, you know, and that’s okay. I figured out that I’m worth more and I deserve someone patient and a certain type of someone that just wasn’t him. And that’s fine. So, yeah.”
Ana C, Open / Long Distance
Tell us your love story…
“I had an open romantic relationship. Well, it all started when we were just friends. After 2 years we were like, we like each other, we enjoy each other’s company and what’s left to do – let’s date. So, we started, and then I moved to Malaysia 2 months later. We were in a distanced relationship from that point onwards. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t easy at all.”
What were some of the things you both struggled with through this relationship?
“We had to work hard on the trust factor of things. It was very complicated, but it worked for us. At some point, we did separate for reasons of distance and time zones. On my end and on his.”
An Open Relationship
For many people who opt for open relationships, partnership and companionship are more than just “the one” but rather “the ones who create a one”. A perspective that doesn’t look at partnership as a one size fits all but rather a quilting of several qualities that allow for freedom, growth, exploration, and development through loving relationships with both their primary partner and others.
What drew you to open your relationship?
“We started looking for other options. Every time I would go back home, we would get back together, clearly, the problem was just the distance. In between… the truth is we cheated- we both cheated. I forgave him but the same wasn’t reciprocal for me. He was really hurt, it hurt his ego to find out what I had done. We tried working it out, but the relationship was already dead, so we broke up.”
What happened after the breakup?
“It was my last year of university and he got into a relationship with someone else, and he quickly regretted it. He said he made the wrong decision- that he made a rushed decision, and he got her pregnant after 2 months, then they had to become official in terms of their families [in the traditional sense (Lobolo)].”
What did this relationship teach you about yourself?
“From what I could notice after everything is that we both loved each other dearly, we always have. Regardless of the time we always wanted to be together, but the distance made it hard. At this point, I don’t think I’d get back together with him but yeah. Our families always liked each other, till this day. We were perfect for each other but… when we broke up, I realised a ton of stuff, like I could see that our relationship was a little toxic. I depended on him to be happy. I mean, I was so centered by him that wow when I would go out with friends, I’d stay on the phone wanting to talk to him. Then I’d just say no I want to stay home; I want to stay and talk to you. Not just because of that but if he didn’t wish me a good morning, my day wouldn’t go well. I was very co-dependent. I had to start working on myself. My friends helped a ton, their patience and time with me helped a lot. Till now, no one knocks me down, honestly. If I’m happy with myself, I can maybe make someone else happy. This taught me that you have to take care of yourself in order to properly be able to help others, and life goes on.”
Single Relationship (by choice)
This kind of status has been associated recently with the INCEL community and I assure you that that is not at all what I plan on exploring here. The choiceful single status is one of self-satisfaction, self-sufficiency, and a prioritising of ones-self.
“Not only that, but it also taught me that dating and falling in love can keep you from following your dreams. If your person really likes you, they’re gonna do that, he’s going to wait for you, he’s going to be there for you whenever you need. If you go on and follow your dreams, you’re not only following your dreams only for you, you’re doing it for both of you but Moz[ambican] men don’t think like that. They think you’re being selfish. And to be honest, there’s nothing wrong with being selfish. Don’t settle for less even though those aunties say so. If you’re happy your partner should simply compliment that. Nothing else.”
Daniela S, Open / Strictly Sexual
Tell us your love story.
“I had an open relationship with two best friends [Boy A and Boy B] at the same time. We were trying a different kind of love I guess…”
Tell us about boy A
“So, boy A was my first kiss. It all started with us seeing each other during only weekends [fling] when you would go to the place where he used to live. He was my friend’s neighbor. We were a big group [of friends] at least 8 people or something.”
Tell us about Boy B
“I started dating boy B because he asked me to, and I thought that I had nothing to lose. I wasn’t in love with anyone by then. We stayed together for 2 months or something when my “friend” decided to tell boy A that I had kissed someone else. And some weeks after, boy A (who was one of the best friends of Boy B) gave me my first kiss (with tongue). I fell in love with him [Boy A] after that. But I didn’t say it. He ended up dating my “friend” because he thought I didn’t like him… after a couple of months we ended up dating. But I cheated so he broke up with me.”
What drew you to open your relationship?
“Years later, I went to Lisbon [Portugal] and so did he [Boy A]. We decided to go for a walk and ended up kissing at Rossio. After that kiss, he asked me to be his girlfriend again and I said yes. We were together for almost a year. But then I went to Luanda [Angola] and he didn’t (for New Year’s Eve). I met someone else who I was interested in, physically only. But I didn’t want to cheat again so I called Boy A and asked him if he was comfortable with an open relationship. It was a long talk, and he wasn’t that comfortable but he ended up accepting. I stayed with that other one.”
“… Boy A told me he couldn’t do it with others, so I stopped and stayed with him only.
Then I went back to Portugal, and I had a crush on Boy C (who still is Boy’s A best buddy) and he had a crush on me as well. So, we discussed about being together (me and Boy C) but we didn’t want to be cheating on Boy A. So, Boy C went to talk to Boy A and somehow minutes later we were all in bed.
Strictly Sexual Relationship
On that note, strictly sexual relationships can also be quite fruitful. I know what you’re thinking: “is it possible for people to have to have a healthy strictly sexual relationship without someone catching feelings?”. The truth is, I have no idea, I say it truly depends on the individual and the way that they manage the relationship, however, I will say any relationship that is rooted in open honesty and mutual kindness and consideration is unlikely to promote pain.
What caused you to break up?
After that, we dated for a whole summer, but I ended things with Boy A because I preferred Boy C. Now I don’t have any of them, but sometimes I stay with boy C still.”
What kind of benefits did you experience in this kind of relationship?
“Apart from being with whoever I wanted, I felt like me and Boy A was strong in communication and that he saw me as more than a piece of meat. Because he didn’t bother sharing me and still loved me like no other.”
“The main con was that when we broke up, his side of the story was that I manipulated him. And of course, a lot of freedom made me fall in love with his best friend until today.”
What did this relationship teach you about yourself?
“That relationship taught me essentially that I can do everything and anything that I want. And that honesty is the best policy. And that there are many ways of love.”
Eny P, Polyamorous
Tell us your love story…
“I have a sense that he was still married and getting separated and getting divorced. And there was a point that we met (all three of us) and we agreed that because of- essentially because of church and avoiding all that, and also her situation, she didn’t want to have to get divorced and then go back home and so she was fine knowing that, okay, “he doesn’t love me, but I’m okay just being here if you guys don’t mind”, you know. To a point that we would literally talk openly, like she would know if he was at my place and we, me and her, we would talk openly about everything, honestly.”
Did you ever experience any complications with this agreement?
“I think it got a bit too much when I went on a trip, and I bought him clothes, and I bought him underwear. I think that for her, that’s when it got very real. And then it was just like, “no, I can’t do this. It’s just it’s enough for me”. And for him, it was always weird. I actually enjoyed it. I actually liked it because it was, it was open. It was clear for all of us. We knew exactly what was happening. Cause we had a very open conversation about everything. But were mainly monogamous, I would say is just that tiny window.”
“It was a bit like the notebook. We met when we were teens, we were just friends and flirting and all of that. I moved for uni and he wanted to wait for me. I told them not to because, you know, I wanted to be able to date and live my life. And I didn’t want him to like, wait on me. We were still young and growing and experiencing. He ended up being influenced by other people and ended up thinking that my reason for not wanting the relationship was something other than what I told him. He got married out of spite. Yeah. And it was only until I finished uni and came back that we started being around each other again, and me already being in another relationship that was not going so well that somehow feelings, resurfaced.”
“So we dated. It was a very, I would say it was one of the best relationships that I’ve had, to a sense that we connected on every level. He knew my friends, I knew his. We liked each other’s friends. We understood each other’s friends. We loved each other’s families, like all sides. We knew them. We shared the same religion, which was very important for me. He understood that I was still saving myself and that was okay for him. The fact that he literally understood me and made me want to be better, it made me want to grow. It was a safe space for me to even talk about like past traumas and all of that. So it was a very beautiful relationship.”
Why did you break up?
“I think it only broke because at least for the whole pressure of him still being in the middle of a divorce and separating and whatever, it was just too much. And because we were all from the same church circle, it became very political to a point that it was starting to hurt my family. And that just didn’t seem fair. It made something that was so pure, so beautiful just look ugly because the” next thing you knew, I was convinced that I was the other woman, and no one will convince me otherwise. He would try every time and tell me that I’m not the cause (I wasn’t the cause there was something else going on) but everybody else and their mama was, you know, set in stone that I was the cause. I came back, he decided to separate, I also ended my engagement. I just didn’t have it in me to fight for it if it meant having to go through all of that. It’s almost silly because we basically fought most of it. But when we were right at the finish line, I was like, no. Everything was good. And I still couldn’t go back to him.”
“It didn’t end because I didn’t love him or he didn’t love me. It just ended because I didn’t have it in me to fight for it in that, in that way.”
A Non-Sexual Relationship
Many people also choose to engage in relationships that are devoid of sexual relations. Who says romantic relationships have to be sexual anyway? It’s all subjective. As far as I’m concerned, all that matters is that both parties have consented to these terms and are open and honest about it. Non-Sexual relationships also open up all parties to exploring thew many other uses and aspects of relationships that make them so amazing. The emotional, intellectual, coexisting aspects that are often overlooked in sex-based relationships.
What drew you to pursue a polyamorous relationship?
“It was, it almost doesn’t seem fair to call it a polyamorous relationship because it didn’t get that far. I didn’t have romantic feelings for her. It was more platonic. It was more like I cared for her. It’s one of the weird things though, because me and her, we were friends. We were very close friends before the whole thing. So, I always cared deeply for her. To a point that even when they were in the middle of their own thing, I would kind of side with her as well. I couldn’t decide which side I was in. It was, you know, till this point I cannot hate her. I empathize in a very odd way. It’s just, it’s a very odd feeling. So, for me, the benefits of it all, where when you are in a relationship… in a situation like that, where you have more than one person, if you are somehow able to find a way to love each other as a whole it’s just easier.”
“Being able to talk to her about him being able to talk to him about her, being able to just be whatever we are and knowing that it’s okay.”
“I think in general, even if you are in a monogamous relationship, it wouldn’t always be complete, something will always be missing because, you know, we are human and we cannot be a hundred percent. So, I think what a polyamorous relationship somehow gives you is the, the chance to be able to add whatever it is that you’re missing. Without having to ruin what you already have. Yeah. So that’s what I saw in that moment, because before we had to sneak around, it was a whole thing.”
What did the relationship teach you about yourself?
“Well, it taught me a lot about myself. It made me realize how I am as a person. Like all of the things that I try to avoid and not deal with when you have somebody that loves you to a point that they actually tell you off, but for your own good.“
“Even my relationship with my mother, because for the longest my mom somehow was a little afraid to talk to me. Cause she didn’t know how to talk to me without like walking on eggshells, because they know that I was that person. And to see that through his eyes made me realize that, oh, okay. You know, to a point that if we had an argument, if something happened, my mom had to go to him and ask him what’s going on with me. Like, no, what if it’s not in the picture anymore? Then what? So, I had to literally fix that and be somehow be more approachable and more open without having to scare her off, you know, be a better person in that sense.”
“It taught me how strong I am, because when I look back and I look at everything we went through in that relationship. Wow.”
“It made me be a bit more understanding about people, more empathetic to a point that I now honestly can’t judge because everything in life is a choice. If you judge somebody, if you say something because you’re choosing to do. I’ve been there and I know how that is.”
“It also taught me how to see people as people, because I had this thing where I used to idolize everybody, which is not very good to a point that you forget to see them as people.”
“Because we’re human, they will make mistakes.”
Joemy R, Monogamous / Traditional
Tell us your love story…
“My partner and I met in the most unusual way. I studied in London but had just gotten back from visiting my mum in Tokyo, and he was studying in Malaysia. He was visiting a family friend in London, and it just so happened that they had become my second family, so I would often stay with them after a long trip. On that particular day I woke up really early because I was very jetlagged, and I went to the kitchen to have a snack, he, had woken up early as well and came to the kitchen to wake his friend up who had fallen asleep on the couch. I only saw him for a few seconds, but that was enough to give me butterflies. After that we basically spent his last week in London getting to know each other and me taking him around the city. On his last day it was very hard to say goodbye because we had both fallen for each other.”
“The 2 years after that, were filled with ups and downs, laughter and tears, happiness and sadness, but most importantly our love for each other kept growing. And it wasn’t until the 24/04/21 that we made it official, and he asked me to be his girlfriend.”
What about being monogamous fit for the two of you?
“I feel less anxiety; We have great Intellectual conversations; the Emotional growth is like none other I’ve ever experienced before as well as the Professional growth; The Emotional security I feel in our relationship and not sharing him with anyone else is also comforting; I am happier because of it; Feeling Unconditional love; The many different trips we’ve taken together are something I will cherish forever; And of course, the gifts, how could I forget the gifts.”
What did this relationship teach you about yourself?
“It mainly taught me that I’m a very impatient person. I realized that in my past relationships I wouldn’t give my ex partners enough time to fall in love with every part of me, even the ugly parts. I also realized that I would avoid dealing with any issues I had in my past relationships.”
Anti-Marriage / Unattached Relationship
Now, this sounds and seems a lot more complicated than it actually is. I wanted to include this in our little list here too because I think it’s worth the mention. The way I view this kind of relationship is one based on sharing a life with someone. This kind of relationship does not celebrate longevity as a marker for happiness or success but rather a simple measure of how long all parties have shared their lives together. It’s based on friendship and true partnership. I watched this TikTok the other day by @venerable_tri_dao where he described the ways in which we normalise attachment in love-based relationships. It’s all about removing control and enjoying the time that you have with that person. On top of that is the understanding that a legal document binding your relationship is simply a legal convenience and not proof of commitment.
What is a commitment ceremony?
It is exactly what you think it is. A ceremony where all parties vow to commit however they choose (sexually, emotionally, financially, legally – if applicable) to their partner/s. This is an alternative to a traditional marriage where the government and legal documents become involved. It removed the legal bondage and replaces it with a vow based in honesty and truth in understanding that a legal document is not what binds a relationship but rather a choice to is. It removes the romance from signing marriage papers and avoids divorces all together, replacing them with mutual separation. This can also definitely coexist with a legal marriage however is not mutually exclusive to it.
No two loves look the same, I’m sure the many stories we have lived through together can prove that. As much as it may hurt, you may beat yourself up for months about how it ended and why it never should have. I’m sure there is a lot to learn in it. I motion to promote more post relationship dialog in hopes to create something new out of break ups. Not just the end of what once was but the beginning of what could be.
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