Written by Kyuri Bae
Penelope Guillard, 18, is a French student studying biological sciences in London. She has been in a long-distance relationship for eight months with her boyfriend, Romeo, living in France.
“The dress I chose is one of my favourite ones. He used to compliment me on it every single time I wore it. Then one day, he suddenly stopped. He never mentioned it again, and it was the last time he ever called me pretty. It’s dark in colour and quite monochromatic, which I think reflects my mental state very well.
While I was with him, I began by trying desperately to hold on. I wanted to show that love was worth fighting for. I would text even when I was extremely busy and sacrifice sleep and time just to make him feel loved. But after being shut down and called delusional for thinking there was a problem, I slowly began to shut down emotionally.
My body felt weak. It was as if my physical state was mirroring the mental pain I was experiencing. I couldn’t eat properly or focus on anything.
At first, I started dressing worse. I had no motivation and felt like it wasn’t worth pretending to be okay. Later on, I began putting more effort into my makeup and accessories, not necessarily because I felt better, but because it helped me feel somewhat ‘worth it’. It also created the illusion that everything in my life was fine, even when it wasn’t.
I desperately wanted my partner to notice that something was wrong and realise that he was hurting me. Unfortunately, he isn’t a very perceptive person.
“If I had to describe my outfit from that period in one word, it would be ‘rouge’.”
As a French speaker, rouge simply means red, but to me it carries much deeper connotations. It represents love and passion, but also something darker, intertwined with desire, pain, and a sense of emotional deception.”