Hey Gemz! We sat down and spoke with three young women in their twenties to share their thoughts as they reminisce on their most impressionable years. With their transparency regarding their own experiences, we hope you feel a little less alone in whatever it is you’re going through! It does get better, and they’re here to remind you to welcome growth!
What’s something you used to stress about in your early teens, that, looking back, simply doesn’t matter anymore?
Debbie: I used to stress about looking perfect all through high school. Looking my best was so important… I would get my hair done and the other kids used to laugh, but I’d rather they laugh at my effort to look good than have them ridicule me for something even worse. It was so easy for my white friends to look good, but it was different for me as a dark-skinned girl – that definitely contributed to my anxiety and needs to please everyone. I have a scar on my chest from when I was burned as a child and I used to hide it all the time. I couldn’t stand the thought of people asking me questions. I don’t stress about those things anymore, they were irrational and really didn’t matter, nor did they define who I was.
Arianna: I used to care too much about seeming ‘cool’ to other people. Living up to a certain standard would stress me out a lot, when really, the right friends will always end up aligning with you throughout stages of life.
Gabriella: I used to feel self-conscious about my appearance, particularly my nose and wanted a nose job. I hated that my hair was “frizzy” and wouldn’t stay straight or sit in hairstyles how I wanted it to. I have definitely learned to love and embrace my curls and genetic makeup.
Was there ever an older ‘sister-like’ figure in your life whom you felt you could confide in? If so, who? – What was the dynamic like between you?
Debbie: I have an older biological sister, but our relationship has always been a complicated one. My older brother and I have stayed inseparable though. He was and still is, my right hand. I could be myself around him, unlike in the external reality of life where I felt like I had to hide parts of myself to impress people I don’t even speak to or see anymore. We told each other a lot of things, but I’m sure he still kept some stuff from me and I did the too. He had his friends and I had mine. With that being said, he didn’t have to necessarily console me with words, he could just tell by my body language if I was feeling down and would manage to pick me up through instinct, finding ways to make me laugh. I was always so comfortable and safe in his presence. My mum taught me to reassess my emotions and advised me to not wear my heart on my sleeve, so I did keep a lot in. Good and bad things come from internalising, but she reinforced that not everyone needs to know EVERYTHING, you know?
Arianna: My aunty was that figure for me, I knew I could speak to her about things I maybe didn’t feel comfortable sharing with my mum. She’s also my godmother, so technically my proclaimed second mum since birth. She always taught me to simply be me. To be the rawest and most authentic version of myself and to not care about what others thought, especially if they didn’t know me personally.
Gabriella: I was, and still am, so lucky to have a great relationship with my mum, which means we have always spoken through problems and she would help me think about other perspectives to clarify my own. Although there were things I felt I couldn’t tell her, I could adapt the stories I told her and still get things off my chest or get the advice from her that would equip me. She has dropped hundreds of gems in the past, and even now, at 26, she continues to enlighten me. She instilled in me that; If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. You don’t need any other reason.
What external outlets helped you cope with the things you didn’t tell people about?
Debbie: Poetry, music, and sport were the main things to help me with my problems growing up. Those outlets generally kept me out of my own dark thoughts and prevented me from staying stagnant in a depressive headspace. I’m not the best at articulating my emotions at the moment they are felt, so being able to resonate with music where the artist has hit the nail on the head really kept me going and reassured me I wasn’t alone or alien for feeling how I did. Writing my own poetry brought clarity to a lot of internal and external issues, and sport allowed me to transmit that energy in a positive way.
Arianna: As a teenager, music and swimming were my biggest outlets when it came to coping with the personal problems I kept from people. Those mental and physical spaces allowed me to truly escape and feel much lighter when things were weighing me down.
Gabriella: Time to myself has always allowed me to escape the intensities of real life…Some things need to be shared, and other things need time to be processed before you share them. A hot bath, relaxing playlist, and pampering do the trick every time. Reading helps me too!
You’re sitting opposite your teenage self…What would you instil in them?
Debbie: Don’t stop doing what you’re doing just because someone told you that you can’t or you aren’t good right now. Practice makes perfect and everyone has to start somewhere. People’s opinions do not matter once you start getting closer to God. ‘Perfect’ doesn’t exist, so stop trying to be that. Instead, be intentional in what you do, and forgiving of your mishaps because they’re inevitable – especially when you’re in the process of figuring life out.
Arianna: It’s all going to be OK. You’re doing much better than you think you are. Stop worrying about the future, because it’s so bright and you can’t even see it yet. Trust the process and trust yourself.
Gabriella: Don’t ever doubt yourself…your abilities, your character, or your gut. And definitely don’t doubt yourself because someone else is sewing the seed! Other people may voice their opinion louder or with more force, but their opinion is not more important or valid than your own.
