Platon Vavylis, 25, who identifies as gender fluid, says you should never change yourself to fit someone else’s preferences
“I’m presenting as masculine, so now I’m a masculine gay” is a phrase that is often thrown around, but it’s just not true for me. My masculinity and femininity tend to fluctuate over months and years. I’ve now realised that gender fluidity is an open-label that allows me to not feel like I need to be strict with my identity. So, yes, there are periods when I feel more comfortable presenting masculine, and other times when I feel more feminine. I have no gender or body dysphoria; I’m alive and intuitive with my sex. We all know that gender is much more than your body anyway, right?
I haven’t been in a relationship recently because of Covid-19, so my dating life has been virtual. One thing I’ve noticed off the back of this is that there was a clear shift from the moment that I disclosed they/he pronouns on dating apps. Some people would see it and categorise me right away as feminine, or call me a “Gen Z snowflake.” Whenever I’d open my mouth to talk about respecting my pronouns, I could just feel them rolling their eyes on the other side of the screen. For the most part, I think people just avoid me when they see pronouns in my bio. Strangely, though, I also have people who tap me on Grindr, only for me to open their profile and see “only masc men, no femmes.” Like, have you even read my profile?
Aside from this kind of behaviour, responses are usually positive. There was one wonderful man on Tinder who addressed me as “man” but after noticing my pronouns on my profile, checked himself and asked if it was okay if he called me a man. I think he was initially a bit over-stressed about it, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. He just wanted to learn the language.
You shouldn’t feel the need to try to tick a box for someone just because you’re attracted to them
Coming out as gender fluid has actually made my sex life easier, because now it narrows down the herd. Before, I just had to deal with everything that people would say or do to me, but now it’s just so much simpler. From the things people would say to the things that they would put on their profile. You get all sorts of characters on dating apps; people joking about pronouns and saying things like “I prefer ‘Your Majesty'” comes up a lot. That definitely isn’t something that turns me on; they may think they’re funny, but we clearly don’t have the same values.
Ideally, I want to be with somebody who is completely open. I’d prefer if they didn’t have a strict type per-se, because people often box themselves in that way. I’m intrigued by somebody who’s comfortable trying things outside their assigned gender; even tiny things like someone who presents as masculine using nail polish. Someone performing these acts would make me realise that I am safe when I’m with them and that we can develop together.
My advice to someone who is newly gender fluid and worried about dating would be that if you are in a safe place, I think it is good to share this information in advance because it will keep away the people that will make you feel bad about it. You shouldn’t feel the need to try to tick a box for someone just because you’re attracted to them; there are other people you can find to sleep with. We’ve all done it, trying to adjust or hide who we are to get on with somebody, but when it comes to your gender or gender expression, don’t ever feel like you need to sacrifice a part of yourself because that’s what they told you they’re looking for.
Interviewed by Nenseh Koneh.