If Marlboro Gold was a man, and Lost Mary was found passed out on a park bench, what kind of people would they be? We asked Karis Hinds, Sainsbury’s employee of the decade who has sold thousands of packs and ‘pens in their time working behind the counter.
Smoking is cool again, apparently, so here is a list that matches personality types to their brand of fags.
From classics like B&H to the new funky fresh taste of Lost Marys, every brand attracts a certain kind of clientele – from blue collar scaffolders to east London interns – and everyone has a brand that reflects them. Gather round and read on to see if you can spot yourself.
Benson & Hedges Blue – ‘The simple classic.’
Here’s to the classic smoker. Those who choose B&H do it out of routine and comfortability. They are secure financially but have most likely never done anything out of the norm. Their choice to smoke this basic brand, and their choices in everything else like music and fashion are quite cookie cutter and inoffensive. Oasis‘s Noel and Liam Gallagher are known to have a go on this brand which says something about these smokers – just like your grandad, they’re safely uninteresting.
Marlboro Gold – ‘The fickle minded.’
For those who recently decided to commit to smoking but don’t want to acknowledge the risks. Or, alternatively, for those who are trying to wean themselves off. “I once asked a regular customer why they chose Golds and they answered, ‘They are quite light so it’s not as harmful as the others,’” Karis said. “They’re clearly in denial.”
Often you would see a younger person purchase these cop-outs – just like how they refuse to commit to lung cancer, they also can’t commit to their own sense of style and are usually a Molly-Mae or ASOS-man duplicate. No hate to them, though.
Lambert & Butler – ‘The *London accent* ‘alright, mate?’
The traditional, old school Brit who most likely voted for Brexit because they long for the good-old-days, when London was filled with true ‘Londoners’, none of that ‘ethnic crap’. You see them walk up to the counter dressed in the notorious polo, jeans and scaffolding boots combo; or in one of those Conservatives in a suit and tie, voice cracked from years of smoking and a lifetime of opposing left-wing politics. Nevertheless, you can always trust these guys to suggest a good spot to have a cheap pint.
Silk Cut – ‘The nomad.’
Silk Cuts are known for their elegant, minimalistic and sleek design – only on a rare occasion would someone ask for these. The people that smoke these are usually committed to finding a bit of culture wherever they go, choosing between Brick Lane’s best Vietnamese restaurants or actually back-packing through Vietnam. They’re artistic – not the annoying CSM-kind (IYKYK) – but the laid-back-dabbling-with-Buddhism kind.
Golden Virginia – ‘The standard rollie.’
A young lad who’s clearly got student loans to waste because this brand is NOT cheap. Enjoyment is always on the menu for them. Basically, the type of person who has been attending a festival every summer since the end of GCSEs: outfit-wise, you see them wearing a football top, straight-leg jeans with indoor shoes, calling themselves “lad-core” to the disdain of the rest of us. Chatty, easy going, and they always have good music recommendations. These guys are cool to be friends with – just don’t ever date one.
Vuse Vape – ‘The tech/finance guy’.
This popular brand of e-cigarette is usually tenderly in the palm of the one guy in the smoking area who won’t stop going on about how he lives in Clapham. Their job usually sounds make-believe and is a part of some tech or finance company that you have never heard of. There’s only so many times they can explain what consulting is before you lose your mind. Blokes like this are usually dripping in wearable tech, and own a ¾ Patagonia zip jacket.
Elf Bars – ‘The Gen Z-er.’
Last but not least, the infamous Elf Bar smoker. This brand is very popular for those born after 1998. It’s cheap, looks pretty, and tastes like one of your 5-a-day. They’re sweeping through the younger generation like cocaine in the ’80s. They have a keen eye for tends and fashion, with outward appearance as their number one concern. You usually see them sporting some TikTok trend they judiciously sourced on Depop.
Probably mentally ill and well-informed in politics thanks to their infographic-posting tendencies, they are quite a cool group of people who care about society and saving the planet. More power to them – but seriously, stop smoking those things, you have so much to live for.