SELL- When you feel lost, the family you choose makes you belong again.
“If you keep looking, those people are there, and they want to find you as badly as you want to find them.” – Taryn Rothstein, LMSW
There are a lot of things you could associate with home- the familiar hum of the town you grew up in, the smell of food in your kitchen, the warmth of your bedroom, and the memories of your childhood. But beyond that, you would envision those around you- the ones who make you laugh, offer you a shoulder to cry on, and stay with you through your toughest moments. ‘Home’ is a word that transcends the physical space- it is an emotion, it is the energy around you, and, above all, it is the people you surround yourself with.
However, many people leave the comfort of familiarity and family- their homes- in the hope of a better future. They find themselves alone and in need of a support system, a community to redefine what home means to them in a new environment. Times like these lead to the birth of found families- people you are not related to, but offer you the same comfort, support, and, most importantly, safety as a family would.
“Found families are people that you choose to foster a relationship with, built on mutual respect, mutual care, and mutual consideration,” explained Taryn Rothstein, a psychotherapist from New York. “These are people who you feel deeply connected to, and are usually friends who end up feeling like family,” she said.
The idea of a found family has enamoured audiences for years, from a widely popular trope in books and movies to an important point raised by therapists in the discourse on community-building. People across the world are actively forging friendships and finding their people while in difficult situations.
The struggles of being in a new place
The experience of being away from home, possibly for the first time, tends to spark feelings of isolation and loneliness. “Recreating yourself and your community can take a toll on your well-being and begin to expose parts of yourself you never knew may have existed before,” said Madeleine Lefeuvre, a counselling psychologist, in her blog. She acknowledged how one could feel exhausted and frustrated, not knowing when they will feel ‘at home’ in their new environment. She also processes the loss that comes with moving to a new place- the loss of relationships, support networks, culture and language
“When I first came here, I was far away from home and really craving a sense of family,” said 21-year-old Anvika Nagpal, who moved to London with only his brother while still in school. “I was really struggling to form connections with people, and eventually, you feel like there’s something wrong with you- that you’re not worthy of friendships,” he noted. He also observed that what contributed to this sense of melancholy and loneliness was his inability to speak the same language he had grown up speaking, and the difficulty in finding like-minded people.
“I have this tradition with my best friend back home, Noor,” Nagpal said. “We’d have a sleepover at my place, where we would go down to my kitchen and have some food at night. We would talk about just about anything for hours- be it school drama, anxieties, or life. We would just keep doing things until the early hours of the morning because we didn’t want the night to end. I feel like the only other person who understands me is her,” he said while expressing how much harder it was to leave that comfort behind for the unfamiliar.
Similarly, Yolanda Ko Shuen, a 23-year-old postgraduate student from Hong Kong, expressed her difficulties in getting to know new people when she first came to London. “The first three months in London were the hardest for me,” she said, “It was my first time spending so long in a new country, and I didn’t know what to do or where to start finding people.” She also commented on how homesickness is one of the biggest problems faced by international students, and it gets worse when you don’t find friends and build a community while you’re here.
“The situation is difficult for me right now,” said Anita Tabbali, a 21-year-old from Iran. She noted that the turbulent political climate makes it even harder for her to rely on her family back home and that she struggles to reach out to people over here. She said, “I used to talk to my friends and family for hours. But now, the internet has been cut for four weeks. It is really difficult for me to contact them.”
Finding your community
“Found family is built around safety, love, and deep emotional connection,” said Rothstein, “It’s a choice you make, and you have to continue to work toward it because you may not have your blood relations to fall back upon in the moment.” She emphasises that respect and care must be mutual in such a situation. Elle Hunt, a freelance journalist, notes in an article for The Guardian that a community can be a source of social connection, belonging, shared purpose, and meaning. She emphasises how small interactions and efforts add up and help you feel less lonely over time.
Nagpal spoke about how hard it was to watch his people gather back at home while he was over here. Additionally, being the only out non-binary person at his school added a layer of difficulty to his experience. “Eventually, I gained confidence and stopped being so in my head about such social interactions,” he expressed with relief. “When I left school and came to university, I found the incredible people who I’m now around. They supported me, and I realised the importance of friendship and how much it means to me. I’ve never been in a long-term relationship- I already feel so fulfilled in my friendships now.”
Nagpal reminisced about the day he spent with his band on a particularly difficult day. “I was really anxious about my dissertation, and I had rehearsals later that day,” he said, “Z, my bandmate, had to go collect a parcel, and the others wanted to go to a restaurant near where I live. We all took an Uber to collect the parcel, and then Z and I sat at the restaurant while the others ate.” He remarked fondly, “I laughed the hardest I had laughed in a long time. That’s just what friendships can do.”
“When I first came here, I was really introverted,” remembered Tabbali, “It’s not like I didn’t want to make friends, I just found it really hard. I had to work on myself and go to all events at my accommodation and communicate with others to make friends.” She noted that she had now found her flock at both her university and where she lived. “There are no particularly special days I’ve had. It’s not about the special moments you have; what matters is who you spend those moments with,” she articulated.
Ko Shuen also realised that she had to take active efforts to improve her experience and find her community over here. “While I was initially confused, I began to look for societies and groups at university. I met a lot of nice people when I joined the frisbee team. I also found a few friends through the Hong Kong society- they introduced me to their friends, and I slowly built a community.” She also acknowledged that her relationship with them was slightly different from her relationship with her biological family. Despite that, she said, “They were my closest friends here, and they offered me support whenever I needed it.”
When asked for advice on building a community and finding your people, Rothstein’s primary advice was to be patient. “Not everyone is going to be the right fit, but that doesn’t mean no one will be,” she promised, “But if you keep looking, those people are there, and they want to find you as badly as you want to find them.” Furthermore, she observed that not everybody wants to be a villager. “Individualism can impact your ability to open up, be vulnerable, and seek those connections. Everybody wants a village, but you need to choose to be a villager.”
What does home mean?
“When I think of home, I think of the little bubble of my family, friends and me. The little bubble of comfort and safety,” mused Nagpal. He then noted that he now felt the same way here, in London. “I hear horror stories- my dad keeps sending me articles about the stabbings in London. But now, I genuinely feel safe here and can call this city home,” he said. “Just the other day, my phone had almost died, and I felt comfortable enough to call up a friend who lived nearby and go over. The fact that I can ask for something without feeling like I am burdening anybody is what makes me feel like I am at home again.”
Tabbali says that to her, home is her family and her best friends from Iran. “It’s the comfort of just knowing you are never by yourself. No matter what happens, you just call them and spend time with them and feel better,” she says, warmly.
Rothstein said, “You might feel marginalised as an international student, especially depending on where you come from. The U.S. is not supportive of immigrants right now. You are certainly going to feel a need for people who support you and make you feel safe.” When asked what the word home means to her, she articulated, “When the world feels scary, loud, or threatening as it is right now, home is safety. Everyone deserves to feel safe.”
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