Is it possible for someone to become fully fulfilled if their parents were not great people? Will they ever be as mentally stable or fulfilled as someone who had loving parents?
What does it mean to be “fully fulfilled”? Abraham Maslow, who developed the theory of self-actualization, did not believe people become truly self-actualized. Rather, we can be self-actualizing, striving and growing. The measure of self-actualization is not in comparison with others, but with one’s own growth.
If I’m feeling disconnected with certain friendships, how can I begin to rekindle the relationship we once had?
Creativity can enliven our relationships. Design a get together that is something different than a usual night at a pub or dinner at your favorite Indian restaurant. Be creative. I have a dear friend who lives a continent away. My creative strategy was to write postcards to her every day of the year. Nothing deep, just sharing little moments of the day, sparks of joy, or moments of deep frustration. Because I have been doing this for quite a few years, it is a bit of a challenge (and delight) to create postcards themselves. My latest collection is from a book of Victorian-inspired stickers. An image makes me think of something, often something unusual, and we now have a joint moment in our days when we think of each other and connect. In rekindling old relationships, it helps to connect the present to the past. Acts of everyday creativity build personal well-being and can boost relationship health.
Dr Zorana Pringle, Senior Research Scientist at the Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence, answers readers questions
I currently live in a cramped house share in East London. There’s 7 of us altogether, I get along with my housemates, and the rent is relatively affordable for the area, which keeps me staying there. However, my bedroom is tiny and there’s barely any space in the kitchen for me to cook myself a proper meal. In all honesty, the rent market is cut-throat, and I can’t really afford to move out. I wish I had more space to make the place my own, and I really miss cooking and having my friends over. What changes can I make in my life to ease the strain of my living conditions?
The best thing to do is try to change them. Social and material circumstances matter. In the meantime, you can try to create small changes that make the existing space more personal, but also know that there are limits to what you can do in these particular circumstances. If you approach this issue creatively, you can ask questions to frame the problem in different ways. How we interpret situations influences how we feel about them. Does being in London warrant a challenging living situation? What are you trying to achieve? How long are you willing to live like this? Answers to questions like this will help you see the situation from different perspectives. If you decide that your goals require some sacrifice of personal comfort, you might accept this as necessary and preferable to living elsewhere. Seeing the silver linings can in turn help how you feel. If you can imagine how living outside of London would make you feel and if the answer at this point in your life is along the lines of defeated, you will learn to see the small positives in your current circumstances (Hey, you’re in London! How amazing is that!)
Recently, my screen time has been through the roof, I’m currently averaging six to seven hours per day. I feel as though my phone addiction is affecting my productivity and slowing down my brain power. I’m unable to focus for more than 20 minutes without checking my phone. I’m a recent graduate and finally got a job in social media marketing after being on the job hunt for a year, so being active on social media is a big part of my job. What do you recommend to cut down my screen time and de-center social media from my life, while still balancing my professional pursuits?
If your job is related to social media, by definition you need to spend a lot of time on various platforms to keep up with the trends and learn what you need for your marketing career. What can be more under your control is how you spend time outside of work. To solve it, you need to engage in what creativity scientists call problem finding. Is the problem what you are seeing on social media? How much time are you spending there? Do you have no time for other pursuits? Each of these will have different potential solutions, from curating feeds for some content (and perhaps not other), finding strategies and apps to prevent you from accessing apps at all times of day, or focusing on active interactions with others on social media, rather than scrolling.
I have recently moved to London for a grad job and I’ve managed to make a couple of friends through work; however, I still feel as though they’re just acquaintances. I find it quite difficult to build a close bond with people I work with, and I’m struggling to make more friends elsewhere. London is so fast-paced, and this is something I love about the city, but this also makes it difficult to make friends. I’m content with my own company, but sometimes I feel lonely. Most of my hobbies, such as reading and watching films, are solo activities. What should I do to try and make closer connections and friendships?
Building close relationships as adults is surprisingly difficult. For students, friendships can be developed spontaneously. Once we are outside of school, building friendships needs to be intentional. Intentionality does not make them less meaningful or authentic, it’s simply an acknowledgment of a different stage in life. Again, the starting point is asking questions. Do you want to have fun with friends? Travel together? Have a shared interest? Just asking questions can suggest potential answers. As with any open-ended problem, the first thing you try might not work out. But the fourth or fifth just might.
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