“My favourite part of Jan doing drag is seeing how happy it makes him. And the least, well, cleaning the house after he’s finished.”
Dating a queen can mean and involve many things. For one, you’re investing yourself into someone extremely charismatic and different to what you may be used to from your past relationships. And especially, you are dealing with two characters – if it wasn’t hard getting to know someone before, try two at once! But imagine having two versions of someone you sincerely appreciate, and wholly distinct ones at that! Wouldn’t it be interesting to know what it’s like? What does a relationship with a queen, let alone living with one, look like?
Is it the sassy, flamboyant and unpredictable queen you are with, or is it the handsome heartfelt man you fell for at the dinner table on that lovely date? Or is it, perhaps, both?
“The main difference between living and being with someone who does drag is that the one who does is much more interesting,” says Antonio Grasso (28), from Italy. Antonio has been with Jan Sabater (27) from Spain for two and a half years, of which the past one and a half were spent living together in Munich, Germany. “Janisha Jones, Jan’s drag alter ego, also lives with us, of course,” Antonio chuckles. While Antonio works at Emporio Armani, Jan is a drag queen and a part-time waiter. However, since the pandemic, his waiting job has shifted to shifts at a Covid-19 testing laboratory instead.
Finding out someone is involved in drag can be confusing and uncomfortable, just as it can be fun and refreshing. It really depends on the person you’re dealing with. “For me, it was absolutely okay; I loved drag from the first moment,” Antonio says.
It is also quite ambitious to be the one to break the news in fear of unacceptance and judgement. “I’ve dated other guys before and gotten a rejection when the news was out in the open,” Jan says.
Antonio and Jan’s very first encounter almost gave it away. “I was working at Tezenis, a lingerie store, and Jan came in with his mother to buy some tights for Janisha. I remember, he was so ashamed, he didn’t even look into my eyes. Then, two-three months later, we wound up in the same club and ended up dancing all night,” Antonio says. “I had no idea he was a drag queen until our first date when he told me about Janisha and explained who she was. I then put the pieces together with the tights incident.”
The reaction and opinion are essential if one decides to go down a serious road with someone. You need to accept the person and love them for all they are. “As I said, people did reject me when they found out I did drag, Jan says, but through these experiences, I stopped being nervous and learned that if the guy in question isn’t accepting, then he isn’t worth it. He’s just not the one.” And luckily enough for Jan, Antonio was more than okay with it.
One’s family and friends’ reaction is also important when breaking the news as you want them to accept and love your partner the way you do. “My parents don’t have all that much to say about it, but they’re okay with it, Antonio says. Since they live in Italy, they haven’t had the opportunity to see Janisha perform yet. Still, I know that when they come to Germany, they’d love a performance.” However, with different generations, values and cultures, not everyone is so lucky and receives support.
“Drag isn’t my passion, but I love it nonetheless. It’s so much fun to attend drag shows, and I love watching Jan perform because it’s fun. And above all, he’s happy,” Antonio says. Antonio and Jan even seem to have great teamwork going on, which numerous other relationships lack. “I am actually quite involved in drag life,” Antonio says, I love to help Janisha with the dresses and do consider myself as somewhat her stylist! I always attend her shows, and I love Janisha’s friends Pasta Parisa and Dean Deville.”
Antonio even went a step further and tried going up in drag, “but only because it was lockdown and Jan was bored,” he says, “he wanted to put some makeup on me, and it was exhausting. Lashes are annoying! But it was fun, so I’d consider doing it again.”
Of course, differences in hobbies and interests can also call for trouble, especially with a practice as explicit such as drag. “Sometimes we fight because of Janisha, Antonio says, especially if there’s a mess in the apartment with piles of clothes and makeup all over the floor growing like stalagmites. Sometimes if he has a lot of work, he’s always tired, and that makes me a bit sad because we don’t spend a lot of time together.”
At the beginning of their relationship, Antonio says there was a lot of jealousy, “he was always flirting with other guys as Janisha. But also, as Jan. He works in a Gay bar and to get more tips, he flirts with guys. It cost me quite some time to accept and finally understand it.” While these issues can seem exclusive to drag at first, they really do manifest in all relationships. But again, a difference in hobbies or interests aren’t always so bad. “Antonio was actually a ballet dancer once, so I’ve learned a lot from him,” Jan says. “He always comes to my shows, analyses them from head to toe and tells me what I can improve and do differently.” Support and encouragement are indispensable in partnership, whether it be the smaller things or just generally. “I feel very supported by Antonio, Jan says, yes, I’ve been in longer relationships than with him, but none of them were even half as good as this one. He’s like my coach, and we learn so much from each other.”
An interesting aspect in regards to dating a king or queen is that one of treatment. There’s a widespread assumption that dating queens may be strenuous at times and that when up in drag, a whole other personality manifests itself, therefore changing the dynamic of the relationship entirely. Is that really the case? Well, Jan describes his relationship with Antonio as harmonious, “if I cook, he’ll clean the kitchen,” Jan says. “We aren’t all about romance, nor do we roast each other excessively. We take care of each other. However, when Janisha comes into being, well, a lot of roasting goes on. Janisha is a bitch.”
It must be interesting to get to know two versions of your partner; you may even have a different relationship with each.
“Janisha is arrogant and bossy while Jan is quieter and chiller,” Antonio says. “I get along with Janisha, respectively, if she’s not under stress. Nobody wants to see Janisha under stress. She can be aggressive and very sassy, and sometimes we also get into arguments because of it.” On the other side, Jan perceives Janisha’s change of attitude towards Antonio not to be too drastic but does admit that it happens occasionally. “Janisha can be a big diva at times, and I might end up treating Antonio differently, but I try not to do it,” he says.
Another concern may be the aspect of appearance change and attraction towards one’s partner. You may hear Drag Race’s Season five winner Jinkx Monsoon’s words echoing voice now, saying, “I didn’t come out of the closet to date a boy who dresses like a girl.” However, as a gay man, Antonio doesn’t find it bothersome. “I actually find Janisha quite attractive, he says, but I think it must come from the fact that I know that Jan is hiding underneath all of those makeup layers.”
Being in a relationship with a queen is one thing, living with one, a whole other. Antonio and Jan moved into a new 100-square meter flat in February this year.
They share a bedroom, a big living room and an attic with a workroom. As we know, girls mostly have a lot of clothes and cosmetics. And when in a getting-ready crisis, these may end up everywhere. A drag queen, too, has an abundance of items; no need for a reminder.
So, what does the dynamic living with one look like?
“Since Antonio and I have the same size, we share our clothes. That’s why we have one closet together, and Janisha her own,” Jan says. However, it wasn’t always like this. Back when they lived in their old flat, Jan explains that Janisha also had to share a closet with them and that that was a little bit annoying and, at times, a catastrophic mess. “We are fortunate we found this fabulous new flat, Jan says, now everyone has their space.”
But with queens being as extravagant and expressive as they are, it can’t be too easy to keep everything in order, no? “Everything that has to do with Janisha stays in her own space,” Antonio says. “Yes, the bathroom is something else; all of the makeup is in there, and trust me, there’s a lot of it. Sometimes it looks like a tornado has passed through the whole flat. And that especially if Janisha’s been drinking before,” Antonio says.
So, as we can see, a relationship really doesn’t seem to be all that more complicated with a queen than with someone else, or at least not in the way one may assume. “We understand each other,” they express. “Antonio understands what Janisha means to me and also understands the art of Drag,” Jan adds. From this view, it seems to be a very supportive, fruitful, intense and exciting dynamic with lots of adventure. “I’ve learned many things by being with Jan, but also especially from Janisha,” says Antonio. “I don’t have to care so much about what people have to say or think. I’ve learned to care more about myself, to have fun and do the things I love.” In any case, life lessons are taken from all experiences. “I’ve also learned that defending your partner in this new way is equally important. I almost got into a fight with a guy once who was not nice to Janisha and talked bullshit about her,” Antonio says.
So really, is a relationship with a queen as different as one imagines it to be? “Our relationship is fun, crazy, strong and intense,” Antonio says. “Yes, it’s exhausting, but it never gets boring. I have Jan and Janisha, and I know I’m going to stay here for a long time.”