A Cognitive Therapist’s Guide to Understanding Your Relationship with the Past
”Ask yourself if this memory is inspiring you or keeping you stuck”
At Circa, we’re all about bridging the gap between the past and the present – so we got curious: Why do we romanticise the “good old days”? Does scrolling through old texts or photos help us or hold us back? To find out, we sat down with Dr. Tanya Bannister, Ph.D., a women’s mental health psychologist who provides coaching and consultation services specialising in cognitive therapy – a method that helps people identify and shift unhelpful thought patterns to improve their emotional well-being. Her goal is to help women rethink limiting beliefs so they can feel better and make choices that support their growth and happiness.
C: Is our tendency to romanticise the past helpful or harmful?
T: Romanticising the past becomes harmful when it inhibits growth or progress in the present. For instance, idealising and fixating on an ex-partner who is no longer in our life might prevent us from forming meaningful connections or committing to a new, worthy partner. People may find themselves re-listening to the same playlist they once shared with an ex, hoping to relive that closeness. It might feel comforting at first, but it can stop them from exploring new, genuine connections in the here and now. However, if it doesn’t interfere with current goals or personal development, a little romanticising can be perfectly fine and even enjoyable.
C: How do you help patients who are ‘stuck’ in their past?
T: When patients are stuck in the past, they often over-idealise an experience without fully acknowledging all its aspects, including the challenges or negatives. I support them by reorienting their focus toward their present circumstances and goals while fostering a sense of hope for the future. This often involves exploring past experiences to bring clear understanding and then helping them connect with the opportunities and possibilities available to them now. A typical scenario might be a young adult who holds onto a “college glory days” mindset, scrolling endlessly through old party photos or campus memories. They start believing nothing in their current life can measure up, which traps them in a loop of longing instead of focusing on the new opportunities right in front of them.
C: What’s the difference between healthy nostalgia and unhealthy rumination?
T: Nostalgia is a wistful longing for an experience, often bringing about feelings of warmth or care. The key difference between healthy nostalgia and unhealthy rumination lies in the intensity and repetitive nature of the focus on the memory. Rumination typically involves the mind reviewing an experience deeply and repeatedly, often in a way that lacks resolution. It becomes unhealthy when this repetitive
focus leads to irritability, lowered mood, or a sense of being stuck, as no new true insights or information have been added to the process.
C: How can we use positive memories as emotional resources?
T: Positive memories can serve as powerful coping tools, helping to bring light into moments of emotional difficulty. They remind us of who we are, what we’ve overcome, and the people who’ve had our backs. Maybe it’s a memory of crushing it at a big work presentation, proving to yourself that you’re capable. Or maybe it’s something as simple as laughing uncontrollably with a close friend on a bad day. These moments aren’t just warm and fuzzy – they can actually help us move forward by giving us the confidence and reassurance we need when life throws challenge our way.
C: What unique challenges do you see in patients from different decades?
T: This is a complex question, one that could fill an entire book! However, I would highlight that social media, and the internet have profoundly influenced younger generations in ways that can be challenging for older generations to fully comprehend. This shift represents a fundamental transformation in communication, with long-term impacts that are only beginning to be understood. As a 57-year-old therapist, I remember a time when the internet was not omnipresent, and I make it a priority to stay informed about current social media trends and their psychological effects. For younger patients, the digital landscape has always been a central and deeply integrated part of their reality. Take someone in their early 20s who feels compelled to refresh their social feeds constantly, watching friends post about new jobs or globe-trotting adventures. It can fuel a comparison trap and create stress that older generations haven’t experienced in quite the same way.
C: From a cognitive therapy perspective, how can people build a healthier relationship with nostalgia?
T: It’s important to embrace all emotions, including nostalgia, as part of a healthy emotional experience. Nostalgia becomes problematic only when it shifts into excessive preoccupation with the past, interfering with present goals, actions, or the ability to find contentment in the here and now. Building a healthier relationship with nostalgia involves appreciating positive memories while staying grounded in the present and maintaining a focus on future growth.
A simple trick? When you catch yourself lost in nostalgia, ask: Is this memory inspiring me or keeping me stuck? If it’s the latter, try shifting your focus to something you can do today that excites you – even if it’s small, like reaching out to an old friend or planning something fun for the weekend.
C: In your work with women specifically, have you noticed any patterns in how they relate to or process nostalgic memories?
T: One notable pattern I’ve observed is tied to the experience of motherhood. Motherhood often brings a bittersweet awareness of the passage of time, as children grow and develop so quickly. This can lead to
nostalgia shaped by a longing to extend the fleeting experience of raising young children. Women may reflect on those earlier stages with a mix of joy and wistfulness, often balancing these feelings with the immediate demands of their present roles.
C: How can someone tell if their attachment to the past is helping or hindering their present well-being?
T: It’s relatively straightforward: if attachment to past experiences interferes with your ability to enjoy or thrive in the present, it’s likely hindering well-being. On the other hand, if nostalgia is an occasional experience that feels neutral or serves as motivation for current goals, it’s more likely to be beneficial. The key lies in whether the past enhances or disrupts present functioning.
Tanya’s website: https://www.tanyabannisterphd.com