Valentine’s Day is over, a relief to us victims of the online dating scene. Instead of being swept off our feet by our dream partner and showered with gifts, we spent it binge-watching the new series adaptation of David Nicholls’ One Day on Netflix and scrolling into the endless abyss of profiles on Hinge. Amongst a sea of tediously dry messages- or just plain outrageous ones (see @beam_me_up_softboi)- it’s easy to lose faith in finding our dream match. What we once took seriously has now become a ritualised game among friends- checking out which men have sent you the same message or how many prompts about Guinness you can find in one swiping session. Even when approached with genuine intent, dates often result in either fleeting hookups or disappearing acts. Remind me why we use them again?
Maybe this is why dating apps just aren’t cutting it for many anymore- according to a study by State of the Youth Nation, over 90% of Gen Z claim at least one frustration with using dating apps, the most common of the issues being “I don’t know what to say”, “I get weird messages” or “people aren’t looking for the same thing as me”. This distaste is particularly pronounced among women as data reveals a significant gender imbalance, even down to the fact that 78.1% of Tinder users are men whereas only 21.9% are women. One thing is clear – many are tired of the endless cycle of hopeful anticipation followed by disappointment. From setting firmer boundaries, opting for sober dates, or even abandoning dating apps altogether in search of more authentic connections and fulfilling experiences, women are drastically transforming their dating habits.
“I’ve stopped using the apps this year because it’s distorting my perception of dating and sex,” said 21-year-old Ev, who has been using Hinge and Tinder since she was 18, recently reaching the end of her tether with their transactional nature.“I was going on dates without any intention of sex, but I could always tell that’s what the man wants, no matter what, even if they say in their bio long term, it always feels like I’m never going to see them again after I tell them I’m not there to hookup.”
Many of our generation have grown up on a diet of chick flicks and silly rom-coms, setting us up with a jaded view of romance: expecting meet-cutes in the street only to be let down by the reality of meeting a stranger in a pub. With many of the Gen-Zers entering their 20s in the last few years, the novelty of the apps has worn off and become quite a repetitive chore. “Whenever I go on dates now, it feels like there’s a schedule and a list of questions that you go through over and over again, there’s no natural conversations,” Ev went on to explain.
Liliana, 21, shared a similar experience. “I feel like after like three days, that level of effort from a date just drops if there hasn’t been sex.” Connections from Hinge and other dating apps can be so vapid- and no wonder; when you’re basing the date off an individual’s appearance, the interaction often lacks the human chemistry part, which one may look to compensate by focusing solely on attractiveness. “We’re human beings and we’re so complex. We have many layers and beautiful mannerisms. And being forced to curate that into six photos and three lines doesn’t seem healthy,” says Liliana. I’m always micro-analysing things like, do I look fun? Do I look like I’m too fun? Is this going to attract the right kind of guy, is this joke gonna land? I think that being hyper-aware of yourself as a commodity like that is completely unnatural.”
The shared female experience (and trauma) of modern-day dating has led to a surge of TikTok “empowering” dating coaches and podcasts, such as Sheraseven, who suggest that the only way to date a man is for their money, making bold statements such as “Monogamy means all bills are paid. If he’s not paying all your bills, you are single.” Shockingly, many women seem to be nodding in agreement, with her amassing over 1 million followers on TikTok alone.
While these are some extreme views, it seems as if most women aren’t taking these ideas too literally. Instead, they’re using them as a tool to help boost their confidence in strengthening their boundaries and staying single until they find the perfect man. “It feels like a way out,” says Lyla, 20. “It makes me realise any man would be blessed by me approaching them so you don’t need to have dating apps to find someone. I do think it’s a way of protecting yourself and kind of knowing that you gain a little bit of power through your beauty or your charm.”
Dating coach and influencer Genny Diehl, who makes ‘Hinge hacks’ videos amassing thousands of views on Instagram, opts for a different view of dating apps. She suggests that perhaps the issue isn’t with the apps themselves, but rather a lack of confidence women have using them. “Dating apps are a tool,” she explains. “It’s okay to feel disillusioned by typical use, but I encourage women to learn to use them to their advantage; identify the right people to go on dates with, and reap the rewards.”
Diehl goes on to say: “In today’s era of dating apps and dating advice and ‘high-value men/women’ and ‘if he wanted to he would’ information overload, I try to make my content feel more straightforward. By focusing women on the mechanics of dating, I leave space for women to define their own standards, and thus reclaim their confidence in the dating scene.”
What does the future hold for dating? It’s evident that dating has shifted towards real-life interactions, with speed dating currently experiencing a resurgence. Diehl doesn’t see the apps going away anytime soon though, despite a dip in their usage. She sees dating apps evolving in a few ways- they’ll become more experience-based”, such as Thursday, where the premise is to get off the app, and the population-based apps will shift away from technology to be more matchmaker focused, like Raya, where you have to be accepted first to use it.
Either way, the landscape of modern dating is undergoing a profound transformation. Women, in particular, are reevaluating their approach to love, setting firmer boundaries, and seeking more rewarding alternatives. As influencers like Genny Diehl advocate, the future of dating may see a blend of traditional and digital methods, with apps evolving to prioritise real-life experiences and personalised matchmaking. While the novelty of swiping may have worn off for some, dating apps continue to play a significant role in modern romance, albeit with a greater emphasis on quality over quantity. Ultimately, whatever route you choose, the quest for love remains a timeless (and endless, *sigh*) pursuit.