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Author: Gemma Romain
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Relationship(s) with a queen
“My favourite part of Jan doing drag is seeing how happy it makes him. And the least, well, cleaning the house after he’s finished.”
Dating a queen can mean and involve many things. For one, you’re investing yourself into someone extremely charismatic and different to what you may be used to from your past relationships. And especially, you are dealing with two characters – if it wasn’t hard getting to know someone before, try two at once! But imagine having two versions of someone you sincerely appreciate, and wholly distinct ones at that! Wouldn’t it be interesting to know what it’s like? What does a relationship with a queen, let alone living with one, look like?
Is it the sassy, flamboyant and unpredictable queen you are with, or is it the handsome heartfelt man you fell for at the dinner table on that lovely date? Or is it, perhaps, both?
“The main difference between living and being with someone who does drag is that the one who does is much more interesting,” says Antonio Grasso (28), from Italy. Antonio has been with Jan Sabater (27) from Spain for two and a half years, of which the past one and a half were spent living together in Munich, Germany. “Janisha Jones, Jan’s drag alter ego, also lives with us, of course,” Antonio chuckles. While Antonio works at Emporio Armani, Jan is a drag queen and a part-time waiter. However, since the pandemic, his waiting job has shifted to shifts at a Covid-19 testing laboratory instead.
Finding out someone is involved in drag can be confusing and uncomfortable, just as it can be fun and refreshing. It really depends on the person you’re dealing with. “For me, it was absolutely okay; I loved drag from the first moment,” Antonio says.
It is also quite ambitious to be the one to break the news in fear of unacceptance and judgement. “I’ve dated other guys before and gotten a rejection when the news was out in the open,” Jan says.
Antonio and Jan’s very first encounter almost gave it away. “I was working at Tezenis, a lingerie store, and Jan came in with his mother to buy some tights for Janisha. I remember, he was so ashamed, he didn’t even look into my eyes. Then, two-three months later, we wound up in the same club and ended up dancing all night,” Antonio says. “I had no idea he was a drag queen until our first date when he told me about Janisha and explained who she was. I then put the pieces together with the tights incident.”
The reaction and opinion are essential if one decides to go down a serious road with someone. You need to accept the person and love them for all they are. “As I said, people did reject me when they found out I did drag, Jan says, but through these experiences, I stopped being nervous and learned that if the guy in question isn’t accepting, then he isn’t worth it. He’s just not the one.” And luckily enough for Jan, Antonio was more than okay with it.
One’s family and friends’ reaction is also important when breaking the news as you want them to accept and love your partner the way you do. “My parents don’t have all that much to say about it, but they’re okay with it, Antonio says. Since they live in Italy, they haven’t had the opportunity to see Janisha perform yet. Still, I know that when they come to Germany, they’d love a performance.” However, with different generations, values and cultures, not everyone is so lucky and receives support.
“Drag isn’t my passion, but I love it nonetheless. It’s so much fun to attend drag shows, and I love watching Jan perform because it’s fun. And above all, he’s happy,” Antonio says. Antonio and Jan even seem to have great teamwork going on, which numerous other relationships lack. “I am actually quite involved in drag life,” Antonio says, I love to help Janisha with the dresses and do consider myself as somewhat her stylist! I always attend her shows, and I love Janisha’s friends Pasta Parisa and Dean Deville.”
Antonio even went a step further and tried going up in drag, “but only because it was lockdown and Jan was bored,” he says, “he wanted to put some makeup on me, and it was exhausting. Lashes are annoying! But it was fun, so I’d consider doing it again.”
Of course, differences in hobbies and interests can also call for trouble, especially with a practice as explicit such as drag. “Sometimes we fight because of Janisha, Antonio says, especially if there’s a mess in the apartment with piles of clothes and makeup all over the floor growing like stalagmites. Sometimes if he has a lot of work, he’s always tired, and that makes me a bit sad because we don’t spend a lot of time together.”
At the beginning of their relationship, Antonio says there was a lot of jealousy, “he was always flirting with other guys as Janisha. But also, as Jan. He works in a Gay bar and to get more tips, he flirts with guys. It cost me quite some time to accept and finally understand it.” While these issues can seem exclusive to drag at first, they really do manifest in all relationships. But again, a difference in hobbies or interests aren’t always so bad. “Antonio was actually a ballet dancer once, so I’ve learned a lot from him,” Jan says. “He always comes to my shows, analyses them from head to toe and tells me what I can improve and do differently.” Support and encouragement are indispensable in partnership, whether it be the smaller things or just generally. “I feel very supported by Antonio, Jan says, yes, I’ve been in longer relationships than with him, but none of them were even half as good as this one. He’s like my coach, and we learn so much from each other.”
An interesting aspect in regards to dating a king or queen is that one of treatment. There’s a widespread assumption that dating queens may be strenuous at times and that when up in drag, a whole other personality manifests itself, therefore changing the dynamic of the relationship entirely. Is that really the case? Well, Jan describes his relationship with Antonio as harmonious, “if I cook, he’ll clean the kitchen,” Jan says. “We aren’t all about romance, nor do we roast each other excessively. We take care of each other. However, when Janisha comes into being, well, a lot of roasting goes on. Janisha is a bitch.”
It must be interesting to get to know two versions of your partner; you may even have a different relationship with each.
“Janisha is arrogant and bossy while Jan is quieter and chiller,” Antonio says. “I get along with Janisha, respectively, if she’s not under stress. Nobody wants to see Janisha under stress. She can be aggressive and very sassy, and sometimes we also get into arguments because of it.” On the other side, Jan perceives Janisha’s change of attitude towards Antonio not to be too drastic but does admit that it happens occasionally. “Janisha can be a big diva at times, and I might end up treating Antonio differently, but I try not to do it,” he says.
Another concern may be the aspect of appearance change and attraction towards one’s partner. You may hear Drag Race’s Season five winner Jinkx Monsoon’s words echoing voice now, saying, “I didn’t come out of the closet to date a boy who dresses like a girl.” However, as a gay man, Antonio doesn’t find it bothersome. “I actually find Janisha quite attractive, he says, but I think it must come from the fact that I know that Jan is hiding underneath all of those makeup layers.”
Being in a relationship with a queen is one thing, living with one, a whole other. Antonio and Jan moved into a new 100-square meter flat in February this year.
They share a bedroom, a big living room and an attic with a workroom. As we know, girls mostly have a lot of clothes and cosmetics. And when in a getting-ready crisis, these may end up everywhere. A drag queen, too, has an abundance of items; no need for a reminder.
So, what does the dynamic living with one look like?
“Since Antonio and I have the same size, we share our clothes. That’s why we have one closet together, and Janisha her own,” Jan says. However, it wasn’t always like this. Back when they lived in their old flat, Jan explains that Janisha also had to share a closet with them and that that was a little bit annoying and, at times, a catastrophic mess. “We are fortunate we found this fabulous new flat, Jan says, now everyone has their space.”
But with queens being as extravagant and expressive as they are, it can’t be too easy to keep everything in order, no? “Everything that has to do with Janisha stays in her own space,” Antonio says. “Yes, the bathroom is something else; all of the makeup is in there, and trust me, there’s a lot of it. Sometimes it looks like a tornado has passed through the whole flat. And that especially if Janisha’s been drinking before,” Antonio says.
So, as we can see, a relationship really doesn’t seem to be all that more complicated with a queen than with someone else, or at least not in the way one may assume. “We understand each other,” they express. “Antonio understands what Janisha means to me and also understands the art of Drag,” Jan adds. From this view, it seems to be a very supportive, fruitful, intense and exciting dynamic with lots of adventure. “I’ve learned many things by being with Jan, but also especially from Janisha,” says Antonio. “I don’t have to care so much about what people have to say or think. I’ve learned to care more about myself, to have fun and do the things I love.” In any case, life lessons are taken from all experiences. “I’ve also learned that defending your partner in this new way is equally important. I almost got into a fight with a guy once who was not nice to Janisha and talked bullshit about her,” Antonio says.
So really, is a relationship with a queen as different as one imagines it to be? “Our relationship is fun, crazy, strong and intense,” Antonio says. “Yes, it’s exhausting, but it never gets boring. I have Jan and Janisha, and I know I’m going to stay here for a long time.”
The story of a bio-queen who reveals the influence that both drag and her persona Ivy Lickens have had on her life and development. Who knew embracing your femininity could be so empowering? Meet law student Scarlett Blue (21), from Serbia.
“All my life, I was a very insecure kid. Growing up, I felt uncomfortable about my male-like behaviour and wondered if I was just an odd kinda girl. I did have that emo-alternative style, but all the others girls around me wore dresses and braided their hair. I was the weird girl, and it weighed on me. That is, up until I discovered drag in 2016.
By pure accident, actually. I was scrolling on Tumblr and saw a GIF of Khloe Kardashian as a judge on the show RuPauls’ drag race and was really amused. Me being my inquisitive self, of course, needed to see what the show was about. It just seemed so funny. And then I found it, and guess what? No one saw me for days. I inhaled the show like it was air. I became absolutely hooked. “What an amazing world of fantasy, of being yourself, but the fantasy version of yourself!” I kept thinking. At the end of that marathon, I felt renewed and like I had a new outlook on life. And I actually did. From then on, I embraced my individuality more than before and tried to care less about what others thought.
It also pushed me to try new things, such as exploring different sides of myself. I started wearing whatever hairstyle I wanted, colouring my hair in electric blue, going crazy with makeup, meeting new people and exploring new horizons. Each and every one of these things brought me something. And even if it did take a second, it also did my dear drag alter ego, Ivy Lickens. Ivy is a woman in an identity crisis. She is strong, but she is weak; she is a badass and a softie, a lustful succubus and a hopeless romantic. She is everything a woman is and everything a woman is not. She’s an uncensored print of who I am, what I’m feeling and what I want to express. Her entire appearance reflects those things each time I perform, and I love that. I’m free to experiment with different looks every time.
My first appearance as Ivy Lickens was probably in 2018 in Serbia. My fabulous drag mother, the illustrious Dajana Ho, asked me if I wanted to participate in a show about baby drag queens. Dajana Ho is one of the first queens I ever saw perform and the man behind the character Drazen, who grew to be a close friend of mine. Through our conversations about social issues, he decided women should also have a platform to perform drag. This is what gave me the courage to jumpstart Ivy Lickens. Dajana is a complicated woman, full of demons and theatricality showcased by her many talents on and off stage. A true voice of the people and an artist to the fullest extent.
The main difference between a drag queen and a bio queen is gender. If we just go with the flow, let’s say that drag queens are males, men dressed up in drag, and bio queens, are biological women who take on a persona of drag. Ultimately, they are the same: you have exaggerated makeup and have the performance aspect. As a lover of makeup and drag aside, I jumped at the opportunity to participate because I actually find it crucial to hear female voices in a world where you’re impersonating them. For some people, that’s a subject that’s highly up for debate. Still, I think everybody should be allowed to do drag, that is especially trans people. They have been very discriminated in that world.
I have also encountered some resistance as a bio-queen. People tell me that I’m not a real queen and should leave performances to gay men expressing themselves. I found this ironic since, in their view, it’s an art form impersonating women that should exclude a bisexual woman expressing her view of femininity in a world where that question is contested daily. Yet, this didn’t stop me from performing, and I luckily had a fantastic drag family that never excluded me. I, too, think of it as an art form: it’s not who you are; it’s what you do. And therefore, nobody should be discriminated against in the world of drag.
But anyways, Ivy Lickens, whose name actually came from a complete joke. As a kid, I always wanted to have the nickname Ivy because of the plant poison ivy. Of course, it never stuck as everyone refused to call me that. I was also inspired by Ivy Winters, a queen on RuPauls’ show whose character and entire aesthetic I was very fond of. She’s really more of an honest and developed version of me. Well, an exaggerated one, which I achieve aesthetically by taking the makeup I do daily and pushing it to the extreme with more prominent brows, lips, eyeliner, and eyeshadow. Ivys’ style is not set in stone, and that’s what I love about her. She’s unpredictable and incessantly fabulous. I also wanted to play on Winters and lickens, because lesbians lick.
What I like to do with my drag, which I regrettably don’t do as often anymore due to time constraints with law school, and the elephant in the room of a global pandemic, is I embody different characters. I like to play with the different facets of femininity. For example, my first track performance focused on that boss bitch vibe. I had just gotten broken up with, so, coming out of a four year-long relationship, I was determined to make myself feel like I was on top of my game. I lip-synched to a variety of artists in that performance. I incorporated the theme song of the show Lucifer as an introduction, included Fergalicious by Fergie because, of course, I had to, and ended with reference to the elimination of BenDeLaCreme, which was a self-elimination. Instead of eliminating a bottom queen as the winner, BenDeLa used white-out to eliminate herself, as she could no longer take the pressure of the competition and eliminating her fellow friends. Following that, I thought it would be a fun way to finish my almost 10-minute-long set instead of just walking off at the end of the song.
I remember feeling invigorated after my premiere as if I’d been reborn. There was a new part of me that I had to explore. So, it only made sense that I chose these breakup-revenge songs where the woman was stronger coming out of the relationship. The more I got into the drag performance scene, the more I delved into my creative side. There was a phase during which I was keen on taking after Disney characters. I remember doing a nostalgia show where I brought back the Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hannah Montana, and That’s So Raven. I also did one where I took the Divas of the 80s, the powerful women with a hint of masculinity in them with their leather jackets. One of my favourite performances was when I integrated female vulnerability. I progressively took my makeup and lashes off throughout the show. I wanted to offer insight into what’s underneath and how a woman can be broken down. I remember that silence, and those eyes, while I wiped myself of all the makeup. And the cheers when I collapsed and the song finished. Although I got an extensive amount of compliments afterwards, I think only a few people understood that the performance was meant to show vulnerability and the relationship mask falling off. I believe many mistook it instead as sheer insanity linked to heartbreak.
I really do try to embody different aspects of females and femininity in every single one of my performances. That is because in real life, even though I have a lot of makeup on, or “my mug is beat”, as we like to say in the community, I am a very male energy-oriented person. I do behave myself in a stereotypically male way. So, I enjoy embracing that little femininity that I don’t get to otherwise. Hindsight, drag has taught me that every single morning, whether you’re an actual drag queen or not, you are putting on a drag persona. Not everyone in your life gets to see how you are at home. Take makeup, for example. I began to see makeup as a means of creative expression, where through the colours or style I choose, I’d communicate how and what I’m feeling that day. When I got comfortable doing that and people around me grew accustomed to the striking, colourful makeup, that’s when I really started seeing how I asserted myself. I grew into a version of myself that didn’t fear the repercussions of what people said about me because I realised it just didn’t matter at the end of the day. I even have a tattoo on my thigh that says, “We’re all born naked and the rest is drag,” a quote from RuPaul which I love to look at because it reminds me that it’s not only on stage that we play a character and a persona. We all do it subconsciously daily. I think that if we all just dropped the mask and were to be whoever we are, even under the guise of three tons of makeup, chains or heels, we still are an aspect of ourselves. One that we are maybe too scared to show off because we fear judgement.
RuPauls’ Season Six winner Bianca Del Rio always says, “Not today Satan.” Every time I encounter a difficult situation, I say it aloud. With the exception, of course, when I’m in class. Imagine screaming that out while talking about criminal law surrounded by other law students. Anywhere outside of that scenario, you’ll find me chanting that tagline which comes from the feeling of “this person is testing me, this person wants to see me in a mug shot; this is not going to happen, you’re not going to influence my vibe. Not today, Satan, be gone.” It does sound really dumb when you’re having a casual conversation with somebody, and then out of nowhere, you look at them and say something like “I’m a fucking Libra, Hiii”, BUT it does make people laugh. I enjoy making people smile or happier, even if it is out of sheer confusion.
Regardless of whether you are part of the community itself, just a spectator, or simply find it interesting or fascinating, there’s one message that every human can take from this. And that is, as RuPaul said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” And I’ve got all of the Kings and Queens to thank for that.”
Makeup and dressing up is fun and an excellent means for self-expression. With an abundance of styles to explore, the looks are truly endless!
A drag queen look, however, is complex. It is time-consuming, calls for skill and innovation, and willingness to go that extra mile. Whether you’re a beginner or simply curious enough to experiment, you’ll want to race past your comfort zone.
You don’t need to hoard the beauty department for an entire kit.
We’re starting easy. With just a few essentials, you’re only a few steps away from looking sensational. You may even be a step ahead – some of these may already be in your vanity case. If not, just go steal them from your sisters’!
Assemble these, and you will have a great starter kit to help you transform into the fabulous queen you want to be!
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A little drag through history
Oh, drag – a word that echoes so many things. Dramatic eye makeup, sass and flamboyant outfits. It may seem new to many of us, claiming its place on the scene with RuPaul, but those in the know understand that it’s a long history. While it has become very much part of our society, it hasn’t always been its confident and sassy self as we know it today. In fact, there may be many things we don’t know about it. At reputation level, its world flaunts extravagant shows and characters and embodies empowering life themes. However, underneath that layer, there’s actually a lot of history and rawness.
Drag is an integral part of Millennia’s culture and heritage, even though it can sometimes feel like a modern phenomenon because it tackles socio-political and socio-cultural themes in its unique way. For drag lovers such as ourselves and our dear readers: let us take a brief trip down memory lane into a sextet of its history. As we know, history is part of who we become.
Think about it, do you know how it all began?