Clever Gretel is committed to featuring food writing by the people for the people.
We are interested in the political and the personal, and how they meet on our dinner plates and tables, restaurants, kitchens, and supermarket aisles.
We are constantly looking for fresh perspectives and stories about food that you won’t find elsewhere, alongside sharing and collecting accessible food recipes and reviews of restaurants which tickled our fancy and we hope will tickle yours too.
Who is Gretel?
Yes, we are named after a fairy tale. No, it’s not Hansel and Gretel.
Below is our version of one of the two Brother Grimm’s tales titled after a “clever” female protagonist, also an absolute working class hero, a comrade, and our namesake.
❦ Clever Gretel ❦
Gretel was the head cook of the fattest quartermeister* east of the Elbe; her dishes were famed from Vladivostok to East Berlin. But she was not quite like any other cook or servant in town.
Every Friday she went to play chess in the nearby square. Each time she would lace up her red boots and twirl around three times in front of the full-length diamond-encrusted mirror that her boss kept in the hallway. And each time she would smile at her reflection and say: “My, aren’t I beautiful!”
She would return feeling jolly in the afternoon, having checkmated her opponents – no man had ever beat her – and she would roll up her sleeves, put on her apron and pick up her wooden spoon. As the pots boiled, some weeks she would down a shot of homemade rakija and on other weeks she would clandestinely pour a glass of the family’s finest Merlot. “The cook must be able to tell how the food tastes after all,” she would say.
One day her esteemed comrade and overbearing boss said: “Gretel this evening we have a guest. Go and get me a chicken!” So, instead of going to play chess she took the rickety tram to the market where farmers from the countryside had brought their animals to sell. She elbowed her way through the noisy crowd. The man at the counter slaughtered two chickens, but didn’t pluck the feathers to Gretel’s satisfaction, so she removed them herself.
At the back of the apartment block the residents kept a spit to roast their meat. Gretel lit the fire and left the chicken so that it would be crispy. Hours later it was pitch black and the guest still had not come. One of the wings was burning and, being a woman of good taste, Gretel could not allow it to go to waste. She chopped it off and ate it. The guest was nowhere to be seen so she decided to finish the first chicken. “Oh it’s delicious!” Gretel said. Bit by bit she munched through the chicken.
“Gretel, the guest is here!” shouted her boss, “Go and greet him so that I am not shamed!”
The boss went to get a knife with which to carve the chicken. Gretel wanted to go to bed and had no interest in serving her rude employers. So, she went to greet him and said: “The master wants to chop off your ear** and cook it because he’s missing a chicken wing”
When the boss came out with a carving knife shouting “Just one comrade, just one!”, the guest understandably fled as fast as he could.
“My aren’t I beautiful and clever,” said Gretel as she devoured the second crispy chicken and sipped a glass of fine wine.
Gretel was not like the other servants. Be more like Gretel.
*a senior officer who distributes and supplies provisions
** It was actually balls in the original version but we keep it PG here.
MEET THE TEAM
WERONIKA
Weronika is the Editor and she likes horseradish and brunost but not at the same time. She also thinks Rosa Luxemburg is problematic, but don’t ask her why.
FIONA
As Production and Social Media editor, Fiona relies on consistent treats throughout the day to keep her sugar levels high. If you’re looking for the best pastries in London, she’s your gal.
SAM
Sam is the resident food photographer for Clever Gretel and can be found with a throng of rollerbladers at Burgess Park.
SCARLETT
Scarlett is our Chief Subeditor, she can regularly be found ordering a coffee with an extra shot (or three). Don’t even think of mentioning caramelised onion in her presence.
CLOTILDE
While not busy eating bread or missing her wine and cheese, Clotilde’s designing our website and pics.
Contact us
Want to join the party? Reach us at Clever.gretel@protonmail.com